What can I do for my donor AFTER a kidney donation?

[JamesD]

I was searching a few months back for a kidney donor for my son. I had explored every avenue I could think of and thankfully a donor came forward and everything went great. Our donor even left the hospital the day after surgery!  The man who saved my son is a family friend, single, and has a reasonably good job. My question to the forum is what can I do to show my gratitude? Saying thank you to a man that saved your only  sons life seems meaningless.  Except for paying four weeks lost wages this man wanted nothing from us, he even refunded the fourth week because he went home and to work so quickly!  I never in my life tried so hard to turn down money but he insisted and insisted and then demanded so I reluctantly accepted.

 I know there are legal restrictions to what can be done before a surgery but what about after? I would love to go to a car dealership and just but him a new luxury car. He has a four year old car and it's not a junker but it's not great either. He lives and works in LA so that means he spends three hours a day minimum in his vehicle.  I would just love for this man to be reminded every day what a great thing he did for my family. What better way then every time he sits in his car and heads to work? My wife and I are affluent people and buying an 70-80k car wouldn't change anything at all in our lives. We have worked hard, lived honestly, and been blessed by god both personally and professionally. We just want to do something for this man,  ANYTHING for him really, but we don't want to break the law.  Would a gift now, almost 2 months after surgery be allowed?  Any advice would be appreciated.

[Fr Pat]

Dear "JamesD",
     I just "bumped" up an older posting with a number of suggestions regarding transplant-related gifts (ones that don't involve a lot of money). I realize that this does not directly respond to your question about larger gifts, but you might find it helpful.
    How the law would apply to giving a valuable gift after donation, I really don't know. The law is intended to stop people from buying and selling organs but I don't know how it might apply in a situation like yours. You certainly don't want to get the donor in trouble! Perhaps worth paying to consult a lawyer with the question?
     best wishes,
         Fr. Pat

[JamesD]

Thank you for your response, you have always been helpful answering my questions and it is appreciated. I will go look at the thread you bumped after I finish this post.  I did actually speak to several lawyers, I have access to a handful in my work. I do not believe there is anything in the US or California penal code that addresses this matter.  The issue I worry about is people, people meaning law enforcement or my donors peers and colleagues , incorrectly assuming an arrangement had  been made prior to the surgery.  I do not care what anyone thinks of me or my wife, this is my son and I would never have to justify saving my sons life, if anyone thinks otherwise they don't have to associate with me or my family. I only worry because I don't want anyone to ever think for a second that this man, this angel from heaven did this great brave thing for anything but altruistic reasons. 

 Not to go too far off topic it is a delicate issue. I don't see how it could be illegal because MUCH more absurd, blatant and extreme cases of compensation after doing something where pre compensation would be illegal have taken place. I will give you a couple mind blowing examples.

 There are a handful of  major criminal cases ( Abe hirschfeld, don king to name a few) where people have rewarded juries AFTER getting a beneficial verdict!! Hirschfeld handed every juror at a trial 2500 dollars after a hung jury and that's legal!! The fear is the NEXT jury will have this knowledge and will act accordingly at retrial.  Don king is known for taking entire juries on vacation after winning  a criminal trial. This of course tells the juries if you vote not guilty you get a free vacation. Those examples, I could post more, are absurd but 100% accurate.   

I was just wondering if anyone knew of any specific examples of generous gift giving after the fact and if so, how was these actions perceived and where they any ramifications, legal or otherwise.

[tantemorte]

You might want to edit the topic title if you meant what can you do for your DONOR after donation...

Not trying to nitpick,it's just that I was actually curious about the subject of what can you do for your recipient,of what other people might've done.

[JamesD]

Tantemorte,

 Thank you for your correction I did incorrectly wrote recipient. Hopefully a mod will edit that for me. No nitpicking at all, I am surprised I made such a careless error and I appreciate the post. You are right it does sound a little silly, what else can a donor do for their recipient!!

Thank you again

[elephant]

Dear James,

Why don't you see if there is a charity he would like to support, and make a donation?

Saying thank you is never meaningless.  Neither is friendship.  It is without price. 

Love, elephant.

[audrey12]

I total agree with elephant, that was exactly what I was going to suggest.  Donating to his favorite charity would be hard to turn down.  Maybe even more than one charity!

As a donor myself I think I'd be uncomfortable accepting an expensive gift.  If your son takes care of his health and is living a fulfilling life, I'll bet that's all the thanks your donor will need.

[Clark]

Change made to original post title, as requested.

As for the content of your post, the greatest gift I imagine any donor would welcome is knowing the recipient is well and pursuing their dreams. To the extent you can help that happen, that's where your focus should be. Thoughtful token gifts, especially around the time of the kidneyversary, are generally embarrassing but welcome. Substantial gifts, without a pre-arranged compensation agreement, are likely to be extremely unwelcome, precisely because of the perception of a quid pro quo. You decide, but I recommend discussing it with the donor and rather than force anything, listen to what they truly seem to need or want. Restrain yourself from going overboard, but let that be your guide.

Best wishes. Your generous impulse is admirable. May what action you take based on that impulse be as admirable.

[JustAPyper]

That's a good question.  I was a paired donor so my reward for donating was to get an organ for my wife.  We remember her donor on the kidneyversary but we aren't really in a position to make a large gift to him although my wife would like to give him the world.

Why not give him something that would help him stay healthy?  Does he have any hobbies that involve physical activity?  Golf? Running?  You could get him something for one of those things or let him  pick out something with a gift card.

I'm sure he knows how grateful you are for his donation.

Best wishes!

[CK]

I think you should talk to your donor.

As one myself, I would not have wanted fancy material things.  People who donate don't do it for glory, they do it to help a person in need.   Many of us hated being called a "hero" and being fawned over.

My suggestion would be for your family to write him a heartfelt letter of thanks and as someone else said, offer a donation to a charity of his choice.  My recipient was my husband, but if it were someone that was not so close to me, as in your situation, that would have meant a lot to me.

[jstx]

I agree with several of the other suggestions. Small gifts at kidneyversary and Christmas if he celebrates it would be nice. My recipient sends me Harry & David pears...healthy & I LOVE them! A donation to your donor's charity of choice would also be a very nice thank you. As much as I'd love a luxury car as a gift, it would be terribly uncomfortable & something too extravagant for me to personally accept. For one reason, I did not donate to get gifts though I appreciate your sentiment. Secondly, I also worry how it would look & I would never want the appearance of being compensated for donation.

I'm so glad your son is doing great!

[jatopa]

Keep him informed of your son's continued progress and signs that this donation has changed your son's life for the better.  School triumphs, travel, hobbies...any thing that symbolizes his new improved life.

That's what means the most to me regarding my recipient.  A fishing trip in the Sierra's, travel to Fiji, even planting a peach tree (forbidden fruit for 8 years).  Life is good!  Be well!

[Ilania]

As a donor I will say that my recipient could never give me more than I received deep within because I could make a difference in the quality of life of a person. I was an anonymous donor. Met my recipient for our one year anniversary.  My recipient sends me pictures of her grandchildren and it fills my heart. Personally, I would be hurt if my recipient ever tried to "gift" me with anything.  Keep your son healthy and that is the greatest gift of all