Regrets….

[leah.faith]

It's been over two years since I donated my left kidney to a childhood friend of mine and I have finally come to terms with the regret I feel. I regret it. I can say it out loud and to other people, I never should of donated my kidney to this women.

In the 28 months since donation this women has done absolutely nothing with her life, and has actively been destroying the kidney I gave her with alcohol, cigarettes and soda.

When she was waiting for me to get cleared to be her donor she talked about how much she couldn't wait to get back to school, get a job, start her life, etc. My family and I donated money and furniture to her so she could move out on her own. I was really excited for the life that she was going to live after I gave her a kidney! I really thought I was saving her life!
In reality, the only thing I did was make her more comfortable while she watches Kardasian reruns and guzzles vodka and diet pepsi.

I think this is her plan: She's been on disability for 5 or so years, but she's about to run out. She's now just decided to get on the pancreas list (she's type 1 diabetic). So that will give her disability for another 3 years. With any luck, the kidney I gave her will crap out and then she can just get on disability again while she waits for another kidney.
Why do I believe she'd do something this irresponsible and stupid? Because after the donation I learned of a condition called diabulimia. Its when a diabetic doesn't take their insulin to stay thin. My recipient has been in and out of the hospital since she was 18 due to diabetic reasons. When her kidney failed at the young age of 26 she was 5'5 and weighed 110lbs. Oh.

Anyways, she's an idiot and I'm sorry I donated to her. I'm sure I'll meet someone else in my life who will need  kidney and I won't be able to donate to them because I already wasted the one I had. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that by giving her a kidney, someone else got a cadaver kidney that might of gone to her first and their life has been saved, too.

I'm writing this to you all because this was the one thing I was not prepared for. I knew it would hurt, I knew things would change, I did not know how much anger and regret I would have.

[Fr Pat]

     I'm very sorry to hear of your disappointment. That's very sad. For what it might be worth, I'll just pass along something that I heard another living donor say some years ago when his donation turned out badly. He said: "I didn't donate to give her a new life, I donated to give her a second chance." So despite his disappointment he found some satisfaction in knowing that he gave someone that second chance, which was all he could do. I know that can't be much consolation, but always be proud of yourself for having gone so far to try to help someone. That is your glory forever, no matter what the recipient decides to do. And if perhaps the words of Jesus are of meaning for you, remember what he will say on the last day: "Whatever you did for the least of these, you did for ME, so come and enter the Kingdom."
      Fr. Pat

[elephant]

Dear Leah,

I hope that you will soon begin to heal from this terrible hurt. It would be odd if you did not feel angry and frustrated.  I agree that saying it out loud to other people will help you.  Since you are generous and kind, I'm sure you will eventually find peace and forgiveness. 

Love ,elephant

[Kidney Bean]

Leah,
Pretty sure I've replied to another post of yours, so I will try not to repeat myself, but I am in a similar situation. I never imagined I would feel this way afterwards, either. I guess you have so much hope going into the process that this will be a life-changing event for the recipient. I, too, have thought about other people that I could have helped instead, and also worried that someone I care about would need a transplant, and I would be unable to help.

I really do try not to think about it (I'm sure you do, too) and remember that I did what felt like the right thing, but I admit- seeing the recipient is incredibly difficult for me. As is trying to not feel any emotion when I hear about him being in the hospital. I don't want to become a bitter person. I'm sure you don't want to, either. If you can, stop seeing your recipient, and stop asking for updates on her. It will only hurt you. I've mainly managed to do this, but I do run into him sometimes.

I'm trying to come to some kind of peace with the situation, but it's very hard. I wonder if maybe it isn't healthy to read about all the wonderful experiences people on this site have had, but then again, I appreciate that this site provides a wealth of knowledge and support. Still, I rarely come on here, and I think it's because I know I'll start thinking about my experience, and I try to avoid that as much as I can. I hope we can both find something positive from all of this. I've thought about talking to someone about it (as in a counselor or therapist or whatever) but I haven't done it. I wonder if it would help. I've also thought about writing about my experience (maybe in a fictional way, so I have some distance) to help get some closure and move on. I haven't done that yet, either. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but I definitely understand how you're feeling.

-Annie

[willow123]

Thank you for posting this.   This is a very real fear for many donors and their families and it is a relief when others give voice to it.

[ohtobeahayes]

Hi Leah,
So many brilliant words here. Thank you for sharing your heart, and I am so sorry that this has been your experience. I really like what I've read and have nothing new to add: the gift is YOU, continues to be YOU no matter what she does.  And do try to avoid her as much as possible.  If I could I would give you amnesia so you could forget who it went to and only remember your beauitful, giving, precious heart.  We don't see the full picture, and I want you to know that your gift, although it appears as being "wasted" is much, much bigger than our human eyes can see. Please try to avoid knowing anything more about her. I wish you so much healing and love. You did an outstanding thing, and the gift of all of the love you and your family poured out on her has NOT been wasted, no matter what it looks like. Sending you love and comfort.
(PS...in case I sound too "nice", I'm furious on your behalf. it makes my heart hurt. Keep talking about it, you are grieving and rightfully so.) <3

[KD]

I can really sympathize with those who are disappointed in their kidney recipients.  My brother had PKD and was a heavy drinker.  After diagnosis he  went into detox and was clean and sober for the first 6 months after he got my kidney.  But now that he is doing well, he is drinking again, not as much, but still, I get furious when he drunk calls me.  He had only 3 days of post surgery pain and I am still in pain after 11 months.  I am so angry.  I feel as if I was being used as a human incubator for his new kidney.  He is better off after the surgery and is drinking away his life while I am worse off and am trying to get my life back.  So angry.  I think I may seek counseling.

[KidneyHelpPLEASE]

Leah, I feel your pain but keep in mind that is the exception not the rule! Most people take VERY good care of their donor kidneys.

I am not diabetic and I won awards for running a 5:45 mile and :57 in the 400m at age 30! I am very health conscious and don't drink or smoke! I also do weightlifting and biking to make sure ALL my organs get maximum blood flow! Anyone who donates a kidney to me can be rest assured I will treat it like GOLD!

[himer24]

leah, hang in there friend, you did the right thing and your heart was in the right place. I really think that the mental part after the surgery is overwhelming. I donated to a stranger and I met the person a couple days after the surgery and all I did was pray for her and hope it would save her life. You have to go on and just continue being yourself. It took me awhile to realize it is her kidney now and she can do whatever she wants to with it. I seeked counseling and it has helped. I think it will help you as well. You did the right thing Leah! The worst words to live by is the "Could've, Should've, Would've" Don't let her into your life anymore.. It would be wise just to rule her out.. I know it will be tough and everyone is different. Go on and don't look back! Your an angel!

[Mizchelle]

Without you she wouldn't be able to drink or smoke.  If that's what she enjoys in this life, then you've done your job.  You've given her more time for her to enjoy life - her way.

You did good!!!!!

[RKEM]

That is truly unfortunate that someone would take a gift like that and essentially squander it. And your anger is justified.

Although it doesn't diminish what you have done in terms of being a great and altruistic human being. You have gone pretty much as far as is humanely possible to help someone. You have done your job, you have given her a second chance. Maybe she squanders it and ends up not living as long as someone not actively harming the kidney, but you still gave her a second chance at life. You have done your part, and you should be proud of what you've done. You're still a hero.

Sometimes, as hard as it is, it's best to stop engaging with people who are toxic or essentially making you feel worse. That's the last thing you need. Surround yourself with positive people that you like and who make you feel good. It won't fix what is wrong but it may make you feel better, which is what matters most.

Take care of yourself.

[cupid]

Leah, I also have 'regrets' and it has come to light recently. I have posted about it this week. Mine recipient is not physically hurting his gift but has mentally gone off the rails in relation to me-saying I caused the demise of his marriage because I gave him "bad advice" after I donated.I never even gave him any advice other than the standard 'you need to do what's best for you'  I told him I saved his life and it is not my job to save his marriage too! He called me every name in the book.I am so sick to my stomach about it and cannot stop crying. I cannot believe I wasted all that time being tested and the surgery time off work, risking my life etc. for someone so heartless. Anyhow, this board is great resource and everyone on here is right when they say we did our part. I guess you can give someone a gift but cannot dictate how they use it! Best wishes to you.

[Eldonna Edwards]

I understand how frustrating this must be but it's good to remember that we "give with a warm hand" meaning that a gift does not come with conditions. Once the kidney leaves my body it is no longer my kidney.  Ideally things will turn out like we imagined they would but the truth is that control is merely an illusion. We can't control other people's lives. The best we can do is wish them well and move on with our own precious life knowing that we gave with the best intentions and that is enough.  Sending you a big fat hug and lots of self-love to aid in your healing from this disappointment. <3