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Author Topic: Just been asked to donate - scared  (Read 5646 times)

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Offline maggie

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Just been asked to donate - scared
« on: March 08, 2017, 07:03:54 PM »
Hi, first I'd just like to say how much admiration I have for you all. You're very brave and selfless people.

This is my story, I'll make it as brief as possible. My older half-sister has chosen to be estranged from me and my family for 15 years. There was conflict with my mum but not with me and I have never known why she choose to cut me out of her life. I've repeatedly tried to re-establish contact with her, particularly when our mum had cancer and when she nearly died from a bleed on the brain. I've either had no response or been told that she's sorry but its not her problem anymore.

She got in touch with me out of the blue a few days ago to tell me she has kidney failure and needs a living donor. This has really knocked me for six. I feel like I'm being used in the worst possible way but, as her only sibling, I am probably her best hope.

I have a lot of concerns over this. Five years ago I suffered a severe nervous breakdown which took me 18 months to recover from. Since then I've struggled with generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder coupled with chronic fatigue. The effect on my life has been devastating - I struggle to work full-time, I had to declare myself insolvent and some days don't leave the house at all.

Mentally, I will not cope with being a donor. I know how my mind works and I know it will send me to a very dark place and it'll take me a long time to get out of it. However, I can't let someone die because I'm a weak person. Already I'm waking up in the night with panic attacks and having intense dizzy spells during the day. I have the biggest moral decision of my life to make and I'm completely lost and confused.

Unfortunately, I don't have any support. All I have is my mum and, since her stroke, she is very frail and easily confused. I also worry that if there were complications there would be no-one to look after her. My sister won't - in fact she wants me to keep this just between us for as long as possible.

Sorry for the long rant, I just really needed to get this off my chest.

Offline sherri

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Re: Just been asked to donate - scared
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2017, 08:18:46 PM »
Maggie,

So sorry to hear of this situation. You will probably read a lot of stories about recipient and donor relationships that don't appear to resemble your family at all. When I first started exploring the donation process all I kept seeing was how gung ho and excited everyone was to match their sibling. I was scared and anxious and did not feel excited at all. Over the years, I have worked on these feelings a lot.I also sought help from various therapists. The surgery for me was more emotional than physical.

Know that everyone's situation is different and not everyone is a good candidate to be a living donor from a physical perspective and/or a mental or emotional one. You need to be in good physical and mental health to do this. period. If you feel that this is not the case, take the time to think about it before testing. You may or may not even be a good match for her. But once you do find out your compatibility status it may add to the anxiety. So what will you do with the information. You mentioned that you had a nervous breakdown several years back, generalized anxiety disorder. perhaps you can consult with your mental health professional and talk about the ramifications of testing and get that professional's input. please know that if it will cause friction, the transplant center can just say you are not compatible and leave it at that.

Your sister also has options. She can go on dialysis until a suitable donor can be found. you do not have to be related to a recipient to donate. she may find someone who she is not related to and does not share emotional history with that would be compatible. She can tap into friends, people at work, people create facebook pages. the transplant center can help her with that. Family donation is very complex. We all bring a lot of baggage to the table.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. this is a safe place to vent. Would love to hear how things pan out whether you decide to move forward or decide this is not the route for you.

Wishing you peace in your decision.

Sherri
Sherri
Living Kidney Donor 11/12/07

Offline Fr Pat

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Re: Just been asked to donate - scared
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2017, 08:19:29 AM »
     My kidney donation 15 years ago went well. But over the years I have read of many kidney donors who have suffered long-term problems with fatigue after donation. A smaller number have reported depression (even though the donation was a success.) So I think that probably your fatigue and anxiety problems should rule you out as a possible donor. I suggest that you be honest with her and tell her that you cannot SAFELY donate a kidney at this time.
     But as Sherri pointed out, if YOU do not donate to her you are NOT condemning her to death! Kidney donors do not have to relatives. Anyone else with at least compatible blood types could donate. And although the wait can be long, and not always successful, MANY patients receive kidneys from deceased donors. And while dome kidney patients do poorly on dialysis in the mean time, others can survive for quite a long time while on the waiting list. So please do not feel guilty if you decide that your physical and mental health does not allow you to donate. Living organ donation is NOT for EVERYONE! And for some people it would be a bad and dangerous decision.
     One way of helping her is to encourage as many people as possible to sign up to donate after death. If more people would sign up as after-death organ donors there would be no waiting list.
       Fr. Pat

Offline CK

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Re: Just been asked to donate - scared
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2017, 06:42:14 PM »
Wow! I'm going to be blunt - your sister has a lot of nerve contacting you after 15 years of the silent treatment and asking you to DONATE AN ORGAN!

You clearly do not feel you can do this, and so therefore, you shouldn't.  Even if you tried, you would most likely not be accepted as a donor once they realized your misgivings and feelings of pressure.  You are not your sister's best hope, necessarily - I donated to my husband, to whom I'm obviously not related, and we don't even have the same blood type.  So she has a lot of options other than you.

I hope you will see a therapist to help you cope with all of this undeserved guilt you feel; and find a way to let your sister know you are unwilling to do this, not only because you don't feel you could cope with it, but because her treatment of you has left you less than willing to take such a risk for her.

Best wishes.

Offline Paparafa

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Re: Just been asked to donate - scared
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2017, 05:55:23 PM »
First of all, I am glad you get to reconnect with your long lost sister.  Having said that, she is obviously scared and needs your support.  She does not need to know your feelings about this whole situation and the doctors can certainly tell her without going into specifics that you were not a match.  As other people have already said before, you probably would not be chosen because of your challenges...please know that transplant centers want to help people but they also are looking for donors who will provide a successful transplant as this helps them with their success rate.
As for you...do not feel guilty for one moment...I think we were all scared at one point or another when the thought first became a real possibility...do not feel bad.
Like I said before...you do not need to be a donor to show some love for your sister in her moment of need.
Good luck to you both!

Offline NCNGkidney93

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Re: Just been asked to donate - scared
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2017, 07:28:10 PM »
Hey Maggie,

I'm new on here so I'm not 100% sure how this works. But after reading your story, and the responses, I feel compelled to respond, so here goes.

I just donated a kidney to my older sister Dec. 29, 2016, so not that long ago. I have never had a great relationship with either of my older siblings. Brother went off to WY for the Air Force and my sister was in Guam for 6 years for the Navy. The distance only weakened our strained relationship even more.

Now I know our two situations do not equate to the same situation, but I felt that was worth mentioning. By all means you need to do what you feel is the best thing for you. However, do let your decision be influenced by anyone else. For me I didn't have to think very long about my decision. I've always been a family first no matter what kind of guy. However, no two people think alike and should each live their lives accordingly. I can say this though, the relationship with my sister has improved tremendously. That matter happen for you, but you're the one who should decide if it's worth the risk.

Should you choose to do just know that the recovery period will not be easy if you do not have support. People in your life with feet of steel. I did not have that completely and I am just now starting to come out of my depression. (Gym everyday with a buddy has helped tremendously). By all means send me a message if you have any questions whatsoever.

Best of luck for you and your family.

 

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