| LDO Home | General | Kidney | Liver | Marrow | Experiences | Buddies | Hall of Fame | Calendar | Contact Us |

Author Topic: Getting Spouse Support  (Read 212 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Rictor18

  • Top 500 Poster!
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • I'm new!
Getting Spouse Support
« on: September 24, 2019, 11:43:57 PM »
I’m confident and passionate about donating a kidney to a close family member but my fiancé is constantly making me feel guilty about even considering it. Does anyone have advice on how to approach her? I’m hoping for support but only getting opposition. She constantly brings up future worst case scenarios “what if you get in a car crash and need your kidney” “what if our kids need your kidney” “what if I need your kidney”. I love her and I see where she is coming from but I don’t feel like she is even trying to see where I’m coming from. I would like this to be an open discussion that we both agree on....any advice?

Offline Fr Pat

  • Top 10 Poster!
  • *****
  • Posts: 940
Re: Getting Spouse Support
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2019, 07:47:18 AM »
You might want to also post your question at the FACEBOOK page of Living Donors on Line, as these days many more donors check in there rather than here.
With regard to advice, perhaps you might ask her if she would feel the same if it was her mom or dad or sibling who needed a kidney, and you could donate and she could not. Would she still object?

Offline Rictor18

  • Top 500 Poster!
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • I'm new!
Re: Getting Spouse Support
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2019, 12:46:09 PM »
Unfortunately, she doesn't have a close family as I do. We grew up in totally different situations. I had a large, very close family and she is an only child with no cousins or anything similar to my situation. That definitely seems to be the problem in my eyes...I am striking out left and right when it comes to getting her to consider my point of view and my feelings. She expressed that it feels like I am being careless and selfish by wanting to give to anyone except her or our (future) kids.....am I?

I would love to post on the facebook group if I had a facebook. I purged social media a couple of months ago (and it feels amazing). It was getting too dark for me and to negative. But I must admit, something like this is the prime example of how social media can help people. I may just have to sign back up...

Offline Fr Pat

  • Top 10 Poster!
  • *****
  • Posts: 940
Re: Getting Spouse Support
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2019, 07:07:36 AM »
I was never on FaceBook until I noticed (after using this board for several years) that there were fewer postings here and I was told that there were many on FaceBook, so I signed up. That led to connectiog also to the FaceBook page of "Living Kidney Donors Support Group". Except for a couple of friends who post a few other things 95% of what I get on FaceBook is living organ donation stuff, and every so often I have something helpful to post when questions come up.

Offline sherri

  • Top 10 Poster!
  • *****
  • Posts: 525
Re: Getting Spouse Support
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2019, 06:20:56 PM »
I actually prefer this forum as I find it more personal and thoughtful. However the world is changing so I go on facebook as well.

Many potential donors have been in this situation where they find their significant other is less than supportive. I think that most donors resolve the "what if" issue with that the reality is here and now. What happens in the future is out of our hands. If gd forbid your child needs a kidney in the future you may not even be healthy enough (or alive) to give that gift. So should you hold onto an organ that may be needed versus one that is needed now? I have 4 children and at the time, I also thought what would I do if my child needed a kidney? I concluded that I hoped that someone would do for my child what I am doing.

Not sure if you have a therapist, clergy or professional that could help sort this out between you and your fiancee. Is she willing to come to a doctor appointment or perhaps an educational seminar at the transplant center?  I do think it is hard to go forward with this if she is not on board. Because if you do run into a complication will she be able to support you? not an easy position to be in.

Good luck with this dilemma.

Sherri
Sherri
Living Kidney Donor 11/12/07

Offline 1KidneysEnuff

  • Top 500 Poster!
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Kidney donor 2018
Re: Getting Spouse Support
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2019, 07:07:11 PM »
I think that most donors resolve the "what if" issue with that the reality is here and now. What happens in the future is out of our hands. If gd forbid your child needs a kidney in the future you may not even be healthy enough (or alive) to give that gift. So should you hold onto an organ that may be needed versus one that is needed now?

I had an answer like that for a friend who counseled me against donating at first. He reminded me that my kids might one day need organs. I pointed out that none of them was showing any signs of illness and someone "hoarding blessings" wasn't the way I wanted to view myself.

If I worry now about how I might need "it" (for any type of "it") in some uncertain future, then I'd never be able to give so much as a dollar to someone in need, since someday I might need it.

Her concerns are real and probably feel even more real & immediate to her. Bad Things do happen in people's lives. Are you comfortable facing that future none of us would want, one where you have a bad donation experience, or one where she or your child does need a kidney later? Maybe if you show that you are taking her concern seriously by accepting these are real possibilities and talking through it with her, that will be a chance for her to talk through your concerns for your family member with you. I'm not saying you haven't talked it through like that, just wondering if she feels heard. A big part of her future hopes and dreams involves a healthy you.

Best of luck to you both.

 

 Subscribe in a reader



Copyright © International Association of Living Organ Donors, Inc. All Rights Reserved
traditional