Living Donation Discussion and News > Living Donation Forum

Ups and Downs.

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ohtobeahayes:
Sending you so much love. Let us help get you through, and thank you for not keeping it in. Sherri, I love you, too. You are invaluable!

Fr Pat:
     Just to add a thought: some people are able easily to accept help graciously. But some people find it very hard to accept help, because it makes them feed dependent, needy, "obligated" to be grateful, and angry about the fact that they need help at all. So there can be some resentment toward the person giving the help. Add to this the effects of the illness itself, the effects of medication, and the fears involved in upcoming surgery. I am sorry you are having this problem, and hope & pray that all goes well.
   fr. Pat

Snoopy:
Dear Sarah,
     After reading the comments in this thread, as well as in older threads, and having read Donor Girl and Reluctant Donor with fascination, I am convinced that my experience, as an unrelated donor candidate, is infinitely simpler than it is for related donors.  Not only do I not have to deal with a seriously ill loved one, but I had the luxury of being a "walk-on" who could arrive at his decision gradually, with no guns pointed at his head.  No baggage, no expectations, etc.  Overall, a much less emotional, fraught process. 
    I will say that, having met my charming intended recipient (when we were tested to see if our blood played nicely together), I do feel some sort of added "responsibility" for succeeding in the medical tests and other hoops still remaining in the process.  I think that process can be longer for non-related donors. As one doctor told me, "If you were donating to your wife or child, OK.  For them, one takes risks.  But since you're not a relative, I have to protect you by ruling out your possible risks as carefully as I can".  The length and complexity of the process is, itself, something of a stressor, but I don't think it compares with family expectations and other dynamics in that regard!
   You therefore deserve only praise for doing what you're doing.  I'm jealous that you're already approved and so close to your surgery.  May it go well for both of you...and may it only strengthen family ties.
  Good luck,
  Snoopy

shelley:
This thread is full of really good stuff.  The honesty of Sarah and Sherri is really great.  Sarah, I wonder if, there might be some complicated stuff going on with your sis, having to do with competition, that she's not aware of.  Like maybe your being a donor makes you the "good" sister, the altruistic giving one, which in her mind makes her the "bad" sister who always takes, takes, takes.  Does that make any sense?  Not that any of that is true, but it could be bothering her deep down and that's why she feels the need to downplay your donor role.

Snoopy turned on the light for me about something when he said  As one doctor told me, "If you were donating to your wife or child, OK.  For them, one takes risks.  But since you're not a relative, I have to protect you by ruling out your possible risks as carefully as I can".   I have been wondering why the testing process is taking SO DARN LONG (over a year now) and why they keep re-testing and seem overly meticulous.  You gave me a possible explanation:  because I'm not related to my recipient, we're just good friends and live very far apart.  They never seem sure of me or something, like maybe I'm doing this for some ulterior motive.  at least it feels that way to me.

Prelude_Sarah:
Sherri, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me.  I've lived with the idea of giving my sister my kidney for 16 years now - but you're right, once it's right in front of you, it's very different. 
I'm so sorry that you also had to go through this kind of pressure and stress.  The rest of my family tries really hard to make me feel like I don't "have to" do this, but I don't know how anyone would have felt if I actually would have said no.
When I hear you say that you still struggle with the guilt of having been a reluctant donor, I just want to give you the biggest hug in the world.  I'm a hypocrite to say this as I've beaten myself up too, but you did it!  You put your life on the line for someone you love.  I hope you can let go of any guilt, you are a beautiful person.
Shelley, you may be onto something there.  That has been a dynamic that we've struggled with a little since we were younger. 

It really makes me feel so awful to think of her feeling guilty about this.  We were inseparable as kids.  My big brother, sister and I were all home schooled.  I didn't attend public school until I was in high school.  My sister and I were best friends forever, and I just hope we can find that again some day soon.  I will try to let go of things that feel hurtful now.

Much love, everyone.

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