Living Donors Online Message Board

My husband donated his kidney to his brother a year ago. We have been married 22 years and have known all of that time he would someday be the donor. My husband was never the same after the donation. He was very angry and over the past year the whole family has been destroyed after the donation. He is still very close to his brother whom received the kidney. We are on the edge of separation after 22 years. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Thank you.

Pamela

     I am sorry to hear of your problems.
     I don't know if this information might be helpful in your case, but it has been noted that SOME living donors (like some patients in any surgery, or some moms who give birth) suffer from depression after the surgery (whic an express itself in many ways), sometimes severely. Some have needed counselling and anti-depressant medication for a while. But not all hospitals give good psychological after-care to their donors. If possible, get in touch with the transplant coordinator where the transplant took place. Perhaps they might offer some help.
       Fr. Pat

Pamela,

   Ouch.  What a tragedy. 
   In addition to Fr. Pat's advice, is your husband on any medications? Particularly any new ones? Even the old ones he may have been taking may affect him differently now.  Ask a doctor whether it's even possible that he's still being affected by anaesthetics or other meds from his surgery and hospitalization.  With meds, almost anything is possible. 
   Finally, if nobody's done this yet, it may be worth ordering his full medical records from the hospital, so a doctor can review them to find some possible explanation for the behavior change.
  Hang in there!
   Snoopy

As a divorce attorney/donor married to a recipient, get to a counselor. Even if you go alone.

I see families struggle after medical illness almost weekly.

I am sorry to hear that you and your family are experiencing this. This is tough to take, from experience as a donor, I experienced a spout of mental status change post op. It passed but it took awhile I am almost a year post op. I think being a donor can be very hard to balance mentally and physically even if you believe you are truly prepared for such a situation to occur.

Thank you everyone for your posts. Things have continued to become worse with my husband and the family surrounding the donation. I have attempted to resolve the issues and have spoke with 2 counselors. I believe at this time separation is my only option. After 21 years of knowing some day my husband would have to donate his kidney, I believed it would be a happy event for his family and now a year later it has been the worst year of my life.

I am so sorry this has happened to your family.

I can see how such an event could trigger some complex issues. I knew that eventually  I would be a donor for one of my sons. My husband (their father) donated first and my donation was 7 years later. During those years the belief that I would be a donor at an unknown time in the future, was always with me. I began to think of my kidney as having an important role that I must be sure it was ready to assume.

I became more dedicated to my running and eating habits. In some mild ways, my care of my kidney became a sort of personal mission.

Wow, your husband had that role for over 20 years. When I think of how much lives change over a 20 year period - his future donation could have become a big part of his identity and life purpose.

I hope his brother will urge him to seek out help. So very sorry, Janet

Dear Pamela,

I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering. 

I would urge you to continue to seek skilled counseling and/or a support group for yourself.  And if you can, encourage him to get medical help. 

Love, elephant