soon-to-be ex-spouse needs a kidney

[kidneydilemma]

Hi All,

I am the sole breadwinner, mother of two young girls - living abroad with limited support system.

In this context would you risk your health and wealth for a soon-to-be ex who finds you utterly unbearable and disgusting?

Why am I still his back-up...
when he wants me out of his life? 
when I am not good enough?
when he seeks greener pasture?

I had written a long and whiny post earlier but life is too short...

Please answer Yes or No and share your reasons.

All your answers will be carefully weight and considered.
Thank you.

[PhilHoover]

NO!  Absolutely NOT!

Even if the two of you were MADLY IN LOVE...you should never be considered (nor allow others, including yourself) to be a "back up."  A firm, gracious, but FIRM "NO" is sufficient.

Do not...repeat DO NOT let anyone guilt or bully you into becoming a kidney donor.   That is something you MUST freely do...not guilted or bullied into doing.

Severe the relationship immediately if either "guilting" or "bullying" starts.

Phil Hoover
Chicago

[dodger]

I agree with Phil on all fronts.  You have a separate life from him now, and your children are now your priority.  Take care of them first.  The rest will fall in line.  Best wishes, Janice.

[kidneydilemma]

Thank you Phil and Janice.

I agree on the children being priority and I should not be anyone's back-up. 

I hope at least to try and find a donor for him so that my daughters will not experience the pain of losing their father at such young age.

He needs donation from O-blood group...
Anyone willing to donate please send me a message.

[cupid]

Absolutely not-do not even think about donating. We donors go through enough donating to people we love and love us back-and even then it's a difficult decision.
And what if something-God forbid-happened to you while you were donating? Then your children would not have a mother. Politely tell him no way

[CK]

NO for me.

If a soon-to-be-ex finds you "utterly unbearable and disgusting", then IMO, he most likely has a personality disorder. Lots of people get divorced and may no longer love their soon to be ex, but don't find them unbearable and disgusting. The fact that he does would mean to me that this is not someone you want to tie yourself to in any way (other than your children, of course).

Donation is a GIFT, not an obligation. I don't give gifts to people who find me unbearable.

[Barbara S]

No for me too.
As a divorced person, I understand that you have your children as your connection to him.
But do not let him take from you what should be something you would do out of love or a calling to do so.

[PhilHoover]

to find a "donor for him" either.

Take that "obligation" off your emotional plate as well.  Your children will be just fine.  They are far more resilient than you might think.

If he truly needs a transplant, his nephrologist will make sure he gets on all the lists..

Take that off your plate and your mind.

[kidneydilemma]

Thank you Barbara.
I needed to hear from a divorced donor's perspective. And agreed on children being resilient 

Dear Phil, there is only one list where we are so basically the chances are extremely slim.

It is hard to live while knowing I could save a life but didn't.
Can someone share with me how to walkaway guilt-free please.

[Fr Pat]

     It might help to remember that in many cases of need for kidney transplantation the term "save a life" may be exaggerated. Although the waiting lists for kidneys from deceased donors is long,  it is shorter in other areas. Also, some persons with kidney failure do well on dialysis. Others are greatly hindered by the process of dialysis, but still survive for years until a deceased-donor kidney becomes available. Also remember that you are NOT the only possible living donor. His neighbors, co-workers, friends, alumni, club-members, etc. are all possible donors. Has he put out the word to search for possible living donors among all his acuaintances? Sometimes one potential donor mistakenly thinks that she/he is the ONLY option, when in reality there may be many others who are have not even been made aware of the need.
      Fr. Pat

[kidneydilemma]

You are right, Pat.

Thank you for saying that.
I have asked the same question.
There is no reason why I would be the only match unless he hasn't tried hard enough.

I should not allow myself to think that his life hinders on my generosity...  that is ridiculous given the circumstances.

Appreciate your sharing and honesty.