Telling My family I am going to donate, tips?

[Amberwoo]

I have decided to get tested to see if I can donate to my Boyfriend of 3+ years.  I'm 25 and when I was first thinking about it my mom basically told me she did not want me to do it.  That was back in May, back then we thought his dad may be a good candidate but due to some medical stuff he was ruled out.  I have since decided that since there is no one else and I am young and healthy I would get tested.  Yesterday I found out I was a match!  While this is exciting I would like to tell my mom that I am continuing the testing without her being upset.  She is worried about risks and is worried because I am young.  I have all the facts but was wondering if anyone encounter loved ones being against your donation and how you discussed it with them?
Thanks!

[Clark]

Best wishes! My mother and sister were opposed from the first moment I told them, right after my spouse was deferred and I became the prime candidate. My mother had an epiphany while meeting and talking to my recipient's family in the waiting room while we were undergoing surgery. She's been fine since, but no amount of words were effective in advance. Your situation is likely different, as your family knows your intended recipient. Many donor candidates have experienced opposition from family members, especially parents. May you successfully come to an understanding with your mother about your decisions, whatever they are.

[Orchidlady]

No family was against it - they were all supportive. It was my husband, the recipient, who dug in his heels and didn't want me to donate. It was a long weekend, with a lot of talking that persuaded him I was going to do it whether he liked it or not.  Curious - have you talked with your boyfriend about your desire to donate?

[Amberwoo]

I have talked to my boyfriend, he is okay with it.  He stayed out of the decision making process for me, he just said it was my decision.  I think he was okay if I tried or not.  He knew it was a big decision and he didn't want to influence me one way or the other.

[Fr Pat]

     It might be helpful for your Mom to be able to read up a bit more about living donation, as it can be a new and frightening idea to many. The National Kidney Foundation (www.kidney.org) has some nice pamphlets explaining it, that you can download or ask them to send some printed copies. If she likes videos and uses the computer you could also go to www.youtube.com and "search" "U.S Transplant Games" or in particular the title "2008 U.S. Transplant Games, Pittsburgh" and find some nice videos of transplant recipients celebrating their new health via athletic competitions. Gives a nice up-beat take on organ reansplants.
   best wishes,
        Fr. Pat

[Snoopy]

Hi.
  I agree that it's good to come prepared, with facts, material, and such to make it easier for relatives to understand the actual risks, etc.  That said, I myself told very few relatives (and basically no friends), and, while my donation was not such a very popular decision in the family, nobody ever tried to stop me. 
   Everyone's situation is different, but it probably helps to anticipate the particular reactions of any given family member, and try to think through how you will respond.  Some will be happy to see graphs and charts, others won't want to look at them, for example.  And, obviously, people's reactions can still always surprise you.
   But one tactic docs use when dealing with difficult news is to go slowly, to sense at each stage just how much the patient (or family member) is capable of and interested in absorbing.  That might not be a bad idea here, too.
   Good luck!
   Snoopy

[CK]

My family never stated any opposition to my donation-I'm sure they had their fears, but overall, they seemed proud of me for being willing to help someone in this way. I donated to my now-husband who I had only been with for 2 years at the time.  After the donation, my mother told me a friend of hers had asked her why she was "letting me" do it (I was 46 years old!). She said that she was worried, but it was my decision.

May I say: You are 25 years old. Your mother is certainly entitled to her opinion, but it is ultimately your choice. 

[Amberwoo]

Update:  My mom is trying to be supportive despite not liking my decision and is coming with me tomorrow to my full day evaluation with ct angiogram, chest x-ray, physical, ekg, etc.  So hopefully that will help her understand more.  But my dad just called me tonight to tell me that he is not okay with my decision to donate and its was kind of hard to hear.  I want them to support me and I know its going to be hard if they don't.  He even pretty much said he wasn't going to wish me luck for tomorrow.  Its hard to hear, I have always wanted his approval for things and not getting it for something I know is right is really hard.  I'm just going to keep taking deep breaths though and try and go into the testing tomorrow with as little stress as possible. 

Hopefully all the tests come back well and we can continue with the transplant!

[Fr Pat]

Dear "Amberwoo",
      If it might be of any help, try imagining yourself 20 years from now if YOUR son or daughter told you she wanted to donate a kidney to someone. Would you jump right on the bandwagon, or try to apply the brakes? It can be pretty hard for a parent or a spouse to sit back while a loved one prepares to undergo a surgery purely for the benefit of someone else. So, be patient.
   Fr. Pat

[sherri]

Amberwoo,

In addition to all that has been said, I also want to add that maybe your mom is worried about some psychological and emotional issues. You mention that this is your boyfriend. I'm not sure the nature of your relationship or the level of commitment but perhaps your mom is worried that deciding to donate an organ may complicate things between you and your boyfriend. What would happen if you broke up? Would either one of you feel "obligated" to stay together even if the relationship takes a different course. Are you anticipating that donating a kidney to him would bring the relationship to a different level? I would hope the social worker or psychologist who evaluates you before the transplant will bring this up. If not, you may want to talk about this at the appointment.

Good luck on your journey and keep us posted.

Sherri

[Amberwoo]

I took my mom with me to my appointment yesterday where they went over everything.  During the day I realized that my mom will support me not matter what I decide to do and that her real fear is the unknown.  She is worried that in 5-10 years I'll develop some kind of disease that would effect my kidneys and it would be better if I had 2.  This is something I can not really help her with.  I don't know what is going to happen in 10 years but I know what my health is now and that the doctors will make the right decision about if I am healthy enough to donate (I should hear in a week or 2 after they discuss it among their team). 

I was also able to talk about my dad with her.  And he is very against this and wants nothing to do with it.  But my mom agrees with me that that is his problem.  He get so anxious and stressed about the situation that he can't even begin to try and comprehend it all.  He also hates hospitals so I think that has something to do with it.  But, if he chooses not to listen to all the information I have presented him and to continue to not support me then I will just have to learn to go through this without him, I have a ton of other people on my side.  And I think that after it is done and things turn out okay this will not effect our relationship much. 

Sherri as for me and my boyfriend the social worker did ask about all of those things.  Basically asking if I was doing this to get married, or how I thought it would effect our relationship.  I am not doing it to change our relationship and I have thought a lot about the possibilities so I feel ready to handle it however it happens.  In the end I just want him to be healthier.

Thanks for reading my posts, its good to know there are people out there to help me think through everything and help me look at things from other perspectives.

[sherri]

Sounds like you have it under control. Your boyfriend is a lucky young man. Sometimes having time to digest all the new information will make all the difference. I hope your Dad does come around. When he sees his "little girl" after surgery I hope he will be able to support you through your recovery.

All the best as you continue on in the journey. You might want to journal while you are undergoing all the testing and through the transplant. It is nice to look back on where you came from and how it all turns out. I do wish I would have taken more pictures and documented more during the testing period and actual surgery.

Take care,

Sherri

[CK]

Amber, I donated to my boyfriend of 2 years at the time.  I thought long and hard about how I would feel if we broke up and I decided that really, that didn't matter-I was doing it to help him and not for any long-term gain on my part. I wanted to do what was right in the moment.  I also decided that I never wanted him to feel like he was somehow obligated to me because I did this, either.

It's been two years and we are married now.  Every now and then he will say, out of the blue, that he wouldn't be here if it weren't for me, but that's the only way it's changed us (other than make us closer).

I'm sure there are many people who felt I was crazy to tie myself to someone who has such grave health issues, but he's done great with the transplant and we forget it even happened sometimes.

Also-most kidney diseases affect BOTH kidneys, so in the event you got one, you'd be no better off with two.  The exceptions are injury to the kidney or kidney stones that can damage one kidney.