Donation Date is February 27th. Have ANXIETY.

[Mizchelle]

I can handle Donating to my Mom in just two weeks.  Why can't those closest to me consider this!?

Since the confirmed transplant date, I'm having an extremely difficult time with the LACK of Support from most family and friends.  I cannot believe the "unsolicited" negative opinions, comments and reactions   since the confirmed date has come up.

For a few days I felt I had to console those around me! I've now gotten a hold of my compassion strings and I'm just ANGRY. I know they are concerened and/or afraid, but this is not healthy for me right now and it's causing me an overwhelming amount of anxiety and I'm avoiding everyone in my life just to get through this which I don't think is a healthy mindset.

Help!
shellshoked@gmail.com

[jatopa]

Dear Mizchelle,
How sad that you are not getting support from your family and friends.  I hope they come around.  In the meantime, hang out here with us and we will support you!   Giving a kidney to my brother last year was one of the best things I have done in my life.   I hope you have the same experience donating to your mother. 
Best of luck,
J   

[sherri]

Mizchelle,

Where are you donating? Maybe one of our forum donors can come and visit. I'm so sorry that you are not getting the support you had hoped for from your family. Try to be kind to yourself; go for a walk (weather permitting), get a massage (I did that pre surgery and love doing it for myself), do some yoga, exercise, deep breathing, anything that allows you to relax. It may be helpful to keep a journal and write down the feelings you are having both the positive and negative. Depending on your team and your relationship with your nurse or independent advocate, reach out to them for help.

Wishing you all the best as you get to the other side. We'll be waiting to welcome you.


Sherri

[Mizchelle]

Thank you!
You guys are great here!
  I wasn't sure if I was just having a pity party when I began to post, and I know this transplant isn't about me. It's hard enough dealing with worrying for my Mom's health (being her primary caretaker in the family) and balancing it with my own arrangements to be made. I guess I was just surprised by the recent reactions because up until last week, everyone only had kind things to say.  I actually had a "friend" say "I hope that the final tests don't go well".  She later apologized, but I was stunned.  My Husband of 15 years won't even talk about it... just turned a deaf ear, My Sister....well, i have no idea what her problem is.  She stopped talking to me all together once I tested. The list goes on but I digress

I know that ignorance, concern and/or fear is the causes of such behavior but people seem to be more concerned with what they want then what’s important to me and my Mom.

Thanks for the tips.  I have along with a supportive girlfriend have scheduled a facial and a massage for next week!

Go grateful for the support here...

[sherri]

Mizchelle,

Sometimes, family donations are the hardest. Too many raw emotions surface, often not about the kidney at all. It may also help to get speak with someone like a social worker or psychologist who can help sort out all the negative feelings, your family's lack of support, your relationship with your husband etc. I did help me in that I had a safe place to vent and felt I had someone on my side willing to listen. You can go through your own insurance or perhaps ask at the transplant center if they offer supportive services for their patients. Yes, donors are patients and you are having real surgery. So take care of yourself. Glad that you have a good friend and already scheduled some self caring activities.

Keep us posted, and feel free to vent. We all do it.

Sherri

[SWB]

Mizchelle,

I had similar experiences from some friends that I thought would be the most supportive.  I actually had a very spiritual friend who basically asked me how I could every consider giving away a part of what God created me with and actually stated that she hoped my tests went bad, etc.  I was SHOCKED.  It took me a few minutes before I stated that I had a different perspective and felt that I couldn't not share what "God created me with" when he took the liberty of giving me two of them.  Then, she went on during lunch after church to actually ask my spouse (domestic partner of almost 20 years) how he could let me do such a thing (implying that if he loved me he would stop me).  It took me a while to get over that one! 

Post donation though I have had the opposite.  Now, I have folks who find out and come up to me with platitudes and shocked that I am such a "wonderful" person.  I recently attended a function and was surprised with a hand-made t-shirt hand-embroidered with the names of family members who wanted to say thanks and they love me for what I did.  I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.  I said thanks and that I felt a little embarrased by the attention.  I then later spoke to the family member who made the gift and the person who helped coordinate it to explain and say thanks in person. 

I guess I am trying to say - get prepared for both ends of the spectrum.  Often times folks mean well and their reactions are grounded in either ignorance, love, or both. 

It is unfortunate that you are lacking some of the family support.  Reach out to the community here, ask the center for a donor buddy, and surround yourself with the type of support you need!  In the end finding that support will help you, your receipient, and everyone involved.

-Scott

[Mizchelle]

I'm so grateful for the feedback here. 
Its so nice to get it from those who have had the experience.  I am feeling a tiny bit better.  I pased a test last week when someone overheard me speaking about the hospital stay with Clergy and they interrupted saying "You can't live a healthy life with just one kidney!" and my response was a calm, "Well, we'll soon find out (smile)."

I was really feeling like - if everyone thinks I'm doing the wrong thing now...what happens if something goes wrong with my Mom, then its my fault for even considering this.  Yes, that's how bad my mind was spiraling out of control.  Healthy or not...I have cut off conversations with those who can not support right now so I can focus on the big picture.

This must be what it feels like to be at the Alter ready to get married and someone who attended your Bridal Shower with gifts then stands up to say their against it! LOL

[CK]

OMG, that's awful. I have to say, not one person in my life tried to talk me out of it or said anything negative. Some helped me process it and consider the risks/benefits, some said they didn't think they could do it, but no one made it seem like a bad thing. 

Afterward, my mother said that one of her friends had said to her, "How can you let her do that??" and my mother said, "I don't love the idea, but it's not my decision." Mind you, I was 46 when I donated and my parents helped me every step of the way. So any reservations they had, they kept to themselves. I've had more positive feedback than negative.

I say, don't focus on those people. If you have made up your mind and it feels right to you, then let that all go.

[Dora76]

@Mizchelle,

I'm sorry to hear your family/friends haven't been supportive of your decision to donate. Like others have said, family donations can be difficult because a lot of other issues can bubble to the surface.  Not to mention that guilty, fear, anxiety, lack of knowledge/understanding can manifest in harsh words and behavior.

I donated to my mother too, 3 years ago; I was 27 at the time. I wouldn't say my family was unsupportive, but I know my mom had a difficult time with it. For the longest time, she didn't even mention the word "transplant" or present it as an option or possibility after she got sick. I was the one who kind of pushed more to learn more information. I don't think she wanted to ask, whatever the reason may have been. In the end, it turned out fine.

If you're truly comfortable with your decision, I think you should go ahead and do what you think is right. It may help to speak with the social worker at your transplant center, just to "vent" in a safe place. Or, if you're willing to speak further (or write a letter, whatever works) to your family and friends it might be helpful to talk them through your decision and provide them with links to more information about the donation process. In my experience, lack of information and understanding can cause a lot of angst or anxiety. But if that doesn't work out, then just do what you do, and it's great you have a supportive friend in your corner to back you up.

I know your donation is around the corner, so this could be a late post, but I could relate a bit so I just wanted to say "hi" and "good luck"!  I'll be thinking of you. Take care.

[Oldnslow]

Mizchelle,

Ultimately, you do what you think is right.   It's been 4.5 years since I donated to my brother.   I have never regretted the choice.   Honestly, I do not even think about or notice that I only have one kidney.   I get reminded frequently by my brother's children and his wife for not only the gift of life but a gift of quality of life.   I nor my doctors note a significant change in my health.

My wife and children were supportive, but, also scared to death.  I do not think my wife could even talk to my brother's wife until I came out of surgery.   Very scary.   So, you can't diminish your own fears nor those of your friends and family.   It is also about You.   There are risks which can be significant.   

I also received negative support from my wife's family.  To this day, they cannot find a positive thing to say or comment.   It does not matter.   For me, my brother, and our immediate families, it was win win.   My health is fine.  My brother and golf partner is alive and healthy.

Be prepared that not all will be positive nor support your decision.   So be it.   

Good luck and may God keep his hand on you, your mom, and the medical teams that are performing the surgery.

Oldnslow

[sherri]

Mizchelle,

It is just a couple of days before your surgery and want to take this opportunity to wish you well. Stay positive, surround yourself with those who do support you and remember there are lots of us here to help you get through. Hope you will be able to post soon after your surgery or whenever you feel ready. You and your recipient will be in my thoughts and prayers. Looking forward to welcoming you to the club.

All the best,

Sherri

[Mizchelle]

Thank you all for you kind words all!!!! 

  You really have no idea just how helpful looking at the comments over and over again throughout the day has helped me.  It also helped me to stop telling or talking about it except for a select few in my life.  I was exhausted by all the questions and really annoyed by the unsolicited negative commentary.  Since, I have been able to concentrate on preparing for the surgery and recovery and assisting my Mom in her needs also. Afterall, thats what's really important right now.

You guys are awesome!  Thank you. Thank you.. Thank you!!!!!

[Fr Pat]

     You may have already seen these by now, but the National Kidney Foundation collected a couple of pages of "helpful hints" for your hospital experience from past donors. You can find them at:
www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/infotips.cfm
     Best wishes and prayers for your surgery!
           Fr. Pat

[Oldnslow]

Michelle - good luck.   I remember the fear and uncertainty as the day approached.   The day before surgery 'full disclosure' by the head surgeon didn't help.   But it is somewhat like the warnings you see associated with flu shots or medicines on tv.   There is a list, but usually things are ok.    Do you have aftercare help (you, not just your mom).    You will need support as well.   Morphine was my friend those first four days....

Oldnslow

[Mizchelle]

Tomorrow is the day!  Were both excited.  My Mom's nervousness has now caught up where I have been a nervous wreck up until now! 

Over the past two weeks I've taken the advice here and it’s helped me a great deal.  I have "0" anxiety at this point except for the normal "about to have surgery" jitters.  Otherwise, I'm so happy for my Mom and so grateful for the Swap Partners.

The people that didn't have positive input, I've distance myself with for now, just don't bring the subject up at all and/or didn't even tell others that I have a date at all.
It’s important to receive feedback on issues as it helps us to make sound decisions, but it's not necessary to attain the approval on the decisions we make. And this...I am confident that it’s the right thing to do!

Grateful for the support this site offers. 

Sherri, Oldnslow, Jatopa, Dora76, CK, SWB, FRPat <<<< You guys are the best xoxoxo