Can You Donate Without The Blessing of your Spouse?

[kayla1578]

Hi there.  I'm currently considering going through the testing process to donate a kidney to my aunt. I already know that we share the same blood type, so there's a decent possibility I'd be a match. My mom and other aunts have the same blood type as well, but none of them are potential donors due to high blood pressure and other health issues.

My aunt has been on and off of dialysis for several years and has been told that she needs a new kidney. She's basically housebound right now. She's single and lives alone and requires a nurse's aid to come in several times a week. I know that a new kidney would greatly increase her quality of life. I'm 33 and pretty healthy, though I'm a bit overweight.  I think I would be a good donor candidate, assuming that I'm a match for her.

I've brought this up to my husband and asked him to think about how he feels about it, but so far he seems to feel pretty negatively about it.  I've read a lot about the donor process and I know that there are risks, but there are also rewards.  And I really don't feel like there are more risks than there are in the bariatric surgery that he is contemplating.  But, I also don't know if I could proceed with the donation without his blessing.

Has anyone else on here gone through issues with your spouse (or other close family members even) not wanting you to go through with the donation? How did you handle it?

Thanks for reading. God bless you.
Amanda

[rdr321]

   Hi Amanda.
  I am a approved non direct donor. This means I will donate to a stranger. My wife and parents are against it. I will still go through with it and as far as I know a spouse cannot stop you from doing it.
  I understand that my wife and parents worry and want nothing to happen to me.
  I look at it this way. i am healthy and can donate. I cannot imagine the suffering of those on dialysis, year after year. You can read about the suffering of those people. If I can help relieve the suffering for one person, this is good. I would have a much harder time living with myself not donating, then I could living with myself and not upsetting my wife.
  I believe there is a bigger picture here. There are people all over the world who love and will do anything for their friends and close relatives.  Yet those who are strangers suffer.
   I could only imagine what the world would be like if we could all care about stangers as much as our friends and family. I can only do what I think is right.
  I had to put my foot down with my wife on this issue.
  I think you will get lots more advice here. Totally opposite of what I have said, and thats good.
  I have asked a couple questions here and gotton good insight from others, Things I would not think about.
                         Good luck Rick
 

[ohtobeahayes]

Hi!
I have found that it takes a little while for them to come around. 
My transplant clinic strongly urged me, in fact, I think that their wording was that they needed me to have the support of my spouse before going on in the process- they want to make sure that you have the support you'll need afterward as well.
Give him some more time, encourage him to come to the appointments and ask as many questions as possible- that really helped my husband to really be on my side instead of merely standing on the sidelines shrugging his shoulders in "defeat". Ya know? And he was a huge help afterwards since I'm the stay at home mom with all the kiddos.

When we met with the social worker, she spoke with Cullen also, and really wanted to make sure that he was on team Nicki on it. 
Education is key!
Good luck!
Nicki

[KellyN]

My husband was not thrilled with my decision to donate. He did not understand why I wanted to do it and really had no intrest in researching it with me. I did push him to come with and ask questions and printed out information for him to read so he understood what kidney donation was all about. (not sure how much he actually read) The day of the surgery he still did not agree with my decision but he was there to support me because for me there was no turning back. It can cause some tension if there is no support from your spouse/family so keep him involved in the process so he understands what is going to happen for both you and your aunt. It is very scary to think that your spouse is going to have major surgery and knee jerk reaction is for him ro say no...let someone else do it. Look at it from his side as well.
Best of luck to you as you begin your donation process.

[Scott337]

Amanda,

I became a kidney donor last October (2010) to a 24 year-old young man I had never met when his family put out a search on local media for a living donor.  I was ready to turn 51, was quite over weight and knew I wouldn't be able to donate with my BMI (Body Mass Index) at current level.  I began working out and eating right, with the goal of donating and I was able to lose a bit over 60 pounds between March 2010 and August.  Initially, my wife was "cold" to the idea and couldn't understand why I wanted to give a such a personal gift to someone I had never met.  I tried to explain it, but wasn't able to articulate it very well other than to say it was something I wanted to do, something I think was meant to do and mostly...the recipient had the need and I had the ability.  As I went through the testing process, I think my wife believed I'd likely not be a match and as I continued to pass each stage of testing, she became less communicative regarding the potential for the donation.

When I was finally approved, my wife wouldn't read the material the University of Minnesota hospital had sent to me (and her) to read and she wouldn't watch the informative video either.  On the day my  transplant coordinator informed the recipient's coordinator that I had been approved and agreed to go through with the transplant surgery, I spoke with my wife about my decision to go ahead with the surgery, and explained that I would do this for anyone in my family (especially her) who needed a  kidney and that I needed her support to go through with the surgery and to recover and that it was really both of us who were giving this gift and we shared in the benefit and the sacrifice.  She seemed to understand that, began to read the literature, helped pick the date and largely made our arrangements for stay before, during and after the surgery (near the hospital) and she was with me when we met the recipient and his family the day prior to the surgery.  Meeting the family in person seemed to really encourage her about the entire event.

I'm guessing, had your husband expressed a desire to do something similar, you'd have reservations also.  Be patient with him and articulate your reasons for want to do this and explain how important he would be to the entire process.

The benefits, in my opinion, outweighed the risks.  I became very informed prior to the transplant and I came to terms with accepting whatever the outcome for me, our family and the recipient and left it in the hands of a higher power.   I'm certain you'll make the right decision together.  Your considering this gift is very special - your family is very fortunate to have such a loving and generous person considering their needs.   Good luck!   P.S.  Most donors go on to live as healthy if not healthier lives as we are very aware of the need to take care of ourselves post-donation.    

Scott in Minnesota

[kayla1578]

Thank you everyone for your very kind and thoughtful responses.  I was able to sit down with my DH this weekend and have a good conversation about some of the main points about donating and why I wanted to do it.  He was much more receptive on this occasion than I expected him to be. And I did bring up that he was planning to have a risky and life-changing surgery himself for his own health and I was supporting his decision.  He cares for my aunt and wants to see her healthy too, but he still doesn't love the idea that I'll be the one going through the risk and pain of surgery rather than one of my other family members.  But, I believe now that he'll support me regardless.

And just FYI, for anyone else going through trying to talk your spouse around: It helps to catch them when they're in a good mood and snuggle up to them and talk softly and sweetly about it...