Hi, first I'd just like to say how much admiration I have for you all. You're very brave and selfless people.
This is my story, I'll make it as brief as possible. My older half-sister has chosen to be estranged from me and my family for 15 years. There was conflict with my mum but not with me and I have never known why she choose to cut me out of her life. I've repeatedly tried to re-establish contact with her, particularly when our mum had cancer and when she nearly died from a bleed on the brain. I've either had no response or been told that she's sorry but its not her problem anymore.
She got in touch with me out of the blue a few days ago to tell me she has kidney failure and needs a living donor. This has really knocked me for six. I feel like I'm being used in the worst possible way but, as her only sibling, I am probably her best hope.
I have a lot of concerns over this. Five years ago I suffered a severe nervous breakdown which took me 18 months to recover from. Since then I've struggled with generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder coupled with chronic fatigue. The effect on my life has been devastating - I struggle to work full-time, I had to declare myself insolvent and some days don't leave the house at all.
Mentally, I will not cope with being a donor. I know how my mind works and I know it will send me to a very dark place and it'll take me a long time to get out of it. However, I can't let someone die because I'm a weak person. Already I'm waking up in the night with panic attacks and having intense dizzy spells during the day. I have the biggest moral decision of my life to make and I'm completely lost and confused.
Unfortunately, I don't have any support. All I have is my mum and, since her stroke, she is very frail and easily confused. I also worry that if there were complications there would be no-one to look after her. My sister won't - in fact she wants me to keep this just between us for as long as possible.
Sorry for the long rant, I just really needed to get this off my chest.