Conquering Anxiety

[shelby]

I'm a new registrant to the Board but this site has been marked as one of my Favorites for the past year. Thank you to everyone for all the information that you have shared - I've referred to  it often. I am scheduled to donate in two weeks and am filled with anxiety. I'm worried about all the what-ifs but mainly concerned that if something were to go wrong, the impact it would have on my family (husband and teenager), who are not really in favor of my decision (I am donating to a friend). I have always placed high value on the importance of good health and hope that I am not jeopardizing it. Any words of advice on how to overcome these feelings, and develop a greater sense of calm?

[sherri]

Shelby,

I can definitely understand your anxiety. It is normal, you're having elective surgery and worried about jeopardizing your your role as wife and mother. I felt the same way and then some. What did help me was speaking with a social worker. I actually spoke with someone during the testing process and then after the surgery. I also continued therapy for some time after my donation almost 4 years ago. If possible, you can call your nurse coordinator and see if they can get someone to talk with you or you can contact the social worker or psychologist who evaluated you. Or you can go through your own insurance or privately. It might be helpful for you to discuss your fears and anxiety with your husband. It seems like a big burden to carry on your own.

It's not unusual for family members to not be on board for this surgery especially when someone chooses to donate to an unrelated recipient. I imagine that they would hope someone would do this for them if the tables were turned. You may need to let your family know how much you need their support after surgery, you will need their help as you recuperate, regardless if they agree with your decision or not. Recognize that they are having difficulty supporting you because they love you and are worried about you but you also need their help.

Where are you donating? Do you have a donor buddy or someone who will be with you during the surgery and while you are recuperating?

Things to do right now to relieve the anxiety would be anything that calms you. Try exercise, walking, listening to music, massage (i really like that one) and maybe even journal writing. Deep breathing helps and just letting yourself think positive thoughts. So many of us have gone through this and do well so you will too. If you do encounter a problem along the way, make sure you have a good medical team to help you face any setbacks.

Wish you all the best and keep us posted here on how things are going.

Sherri

[dodger]

Are there any unanswered questions that are causing the anxiety?  Please feel free to ask here, there are a lot of very well informed people here.  If the question can be answered it will be here, or they will find the answer.

If you really are having trouble with this, please know that you can back out at anytime.  Your coordinating team will make it possible so your recipient will never know anything other than that there was a last minute test result that prevented the surgery from happening.  Were you given a donor/patient advocate?  This is a social worker that is on your side, not the surgery side.  If you do elect to postpone donating, you may resolve your feelings, and then donate at a future date.

I'm sure you have given this a lot of thought, but it is a life changing decision.  You will always have to monitor your health, always.  It does become second nature very quickly, but the life long commitment is just that, life long.

Best wishes to you,  Janice

[rdr321]

Hi Shelby,
   I has been  almost 6 weeks ago since my surgery. About 2 weeks before I started getting anxiety and nervous. I did not sleep well and my mind was constantly restless.
     What I have to say may not go along with modern psychology. But anyways. They are going to cut your belly open and remove an organ. It is going to be painfull afterwards. It is normal to feel anxiety. What I did with my anxiety was to realize I had it but to not make to big a deal about it. I just accepted that was how I was feeling at that time. I did not even try to change it. Doing that cut the anxiety in half. Its kind of like in traffic. Someone cuts you off. You can get annoyed and then let it go, or you can chase after the person, you can tell all you friends about the jerk who cut you off. Then it becomes a big deal that takes all your energy.  Just my thought.
   You are going to help relieve alot of suffering for your friend and their family. Thinking that helped me too.
       Rick

[ohtobeahayes]

Hi!
I am admittedly far too laid back regarding surgery and being a living donor.  However, some of the things that I did that really lifted me up were to read stories from people who had received a kidney, and how much it changed their lives.  It just so happened that my kidney went to a man who was wheelchair bound for 6 months prior, down to 101lbs, and literally he didn't have much time left. He had already lost his older brother to PKD. His sister heard about paired exchange and signed them up. Who knew? He has 2 children, and has been a father figure for his deceased brothers' 4 kids! This man has things to do still here on Earth.

Many recipients regain their pink color (vs the grey many are before surgery) immediately, and begin producing urine again. The kidney starts working before they are even sewed up.

Sometimes things don't go so well though, and you need to be mentally prepared for that too, just in case.
there is very much to consider with donation. Thankfully, you are in the right place, full of people who have all had many, many different experiences. We range from the extremely anxious to the very laid back, with everything in between.

Many of us are mothers and fathers, who work in and out of the home. I encourage you to ask questions, keep on asking.
Have you had surgery before? A major surgery? Sometimes knowing what to expect on that end helps some, if you haven't been through one before.
Keep searching, friend!
Nicki

[lawphi]

For me, the two weeks prior to were worse than the entire recovery process.  Seriously, go get a massage. 

It helps to identify why you are nervous and try to talk yourself out of your anxiety. Identify what part of your health will be compromised and talk yourself through it.  Keep in mind that a lot of people are born with just one kidney.

If you have concerns about pain, you can always ask for stronger medication.  If you have concerns about nausea, you can ask for medications for that. 

If I did not have the pictures, I would not believe that I only have one kidney now. 

[ohtobeahayes]

TOTALLY true, for me also. I don't eat any differently, I don't do anything any differently, and I would never know that I only have one kidney. Donors, as you know, have to be healthy to begin with, so if I ever need a push to go run or whatever, my fallback is that I'm doing it for my one kidney. But I don't feel like "Oh, man, I have to go run because I had this surgery and now I'm doomed to a life of maintaining my health." 

Are there specific things that are making you nervous? If you haven't had the sleepy meds before, that can be nerve wracking, etc,etc. 

[shelby]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and advice. The only surgery I've had has been a C-section and I've never had a general anaesthetic so fear of the unknown is probably part of it. Lack of people to talk to - family not very keen on the idea so I am trying to be strong for them, friends are all part of the same circle as the recipient and me so don't want to worry the recipient, in my own business and trying to minimize the whole thing with clients so as to not jeopardize my work (feel I have to get back to work at least at home asap - no sick leave or disability, business expenses to cover), don't find hospital very receptive to concerns - they always seem rushed, surgeon is new and does not seem to have that much experience, laparoscopic surgery has only been in place about 5 months. And I guess there is always a concern of falling in the percentage that ends up with problems - I know the hospital mentions it for liability reasons - but it weighs heavy when my family really does not want me to have the surgery in the first place. So there you have the source(s) of my anxiety!

I'm meeting with transplant this week so will ask lots of questions as you have suggested. Really appreciate all of you that took the time to share your personal experiences - it's been very helpful.

[Snoopy]

don't find hospital very receptive to concerns - they always seem rushed, surgeon is new and does not seem to have that much experience, laparoscopic surgery has only been in place about 5 months.

  Hi, Shelby.
     Given that the hospital is unresponsive to your concerns, and is very new at this business...maybe you can go elsewhere?
     As you probably know, surgical success rates tend to increase with experience.  I'm sure they know what they're doing, but more experience gives an extra safety margin.  If the surgeon is rushed, nobody really has time for you, and they're also new at this procedure, maybe they haven't quite gotten their act together just yet. 
     If you're not comfortable there, nobody can force you to do it there.  It's a wonderful thing you are planning, but you're also a person, and have to make sure you worry about what's best for you, too. Seriously, it's allowed. Advisable, even!
    Are there any other transplant centers available?  Can you at least track down people who donated there, and see how it went for them?
     Good luck, and keep us posted!
     Snoopy 

[dodger]

I agree with Snoopy, don't rush into this for the sake of your friend, you really need to think of you first. Go with your gut feelings.  I posted on here previous and still feel the same way.

I am self employed and have a disability policy that at least pays me something weekly after the first week.  I have used it twice this year.  It is good even on elective surgeries.  It might not be too late to apply but you may have a grace period before you can use it.  Just a thought.  Janice

[Scott337]

Shelby,

I'm not certain I can really add anything to the great advice already given, but I will say this;  I, like Nicki, never had a real concern or anxiety over the impending surgery but I did want to be make informed decisions.  After considering all perspectives, I came to the following conclusions;  I needed to always remember how important this gift was for someone else (and their loved ones) who really needed it;  I was willing to accept the consequences of my decisions (positive or negative) and finally; I needed to be dedicated to "good health" (physical and emotional) for the remainder of my life as it affected not only myself, but my family. 

I also agree, you need to understand and be prepared to deal with the very real possibility of a bad outcome for your recipient.  Although the majority of recipient outcomes are favorable, there are those circumstances where this is not the case. 

Bless your courage and selflessness in being willing to provide someone such an incredible gift-of-life and hope for a brighter future.  We are all here now and after your surgery to support YOU!  Good luck and please keep us updated.

Scott