Hero worship

[Mooge]

Well, last week it happened - I met my recipient. (I know that non-directed donors in the USA often never meet their recipients, but over here it's an integral part of the process.)

The nephrologist introduced us, opened an empty office and said we could have as much time as we wanted (they ended up having to throw us out, ha ha). I have to say that it was quite unlike any conversation I have ever had.

Of course, I understand the gratitude of the recipient, whose life will hopefully be transformed by the transplant, should it be successful. And I was thrilled to meet her, and hope that we will continue to have contact throughout and after the procedure. Still - I'm more than a little uncomfortable with the hero-worship aspect of the whole thing. I keep trying to explain (to the recipient and others) that I'm quite far from being an angel or a saint, this (non-directed donation) simply seems to me to make sense and to be a significant contribution that I can make to someone in need. I know many people who do what I consider to be far greater acts of kindness that I could never even imagine.

Of course - I could avoid all this to a great extent by simply not discussing the donation (other than with the recipient), but I first heard about donation by reading an article written by a donor and would hope that someday someone else might be inspired by my experience and consider donating themselves.

I'm interested to hear any comments people might have about their relationships with their recipients and how you all deal with (overly positive) reactions to donation.

Mooge

[Mizchelle]

I think it’s common that Donors are called all those things and more. Thankfully, it never stops, because it’s a constant reminder of our Compassion, Generosity and Selflessness.

Honor the fact that Donors often do what they do because it doesn't seem heroic, but more of a "natural" humane thing to do with no Ego involved.

Most people are petrified just thinking of doing such a thing (where we may not have been). Those are the same people that call us Hero’s, and I believe it’s a form of saying "thank you for doing what I'm not sure I could have". 

It also an inspiration for others to become Hero’s in their own capacity (giving blood, volunteering etc.) Donation is the gift that just keeps on giving. Don't break the chain. 

Not all Hero’s have an "S" on their chest, but they do have a level of courage that is recognized by others.

[jstx]

I agree, it is uncomfortable & I'm not great about accepting praise in general....I tend to downplay it because focusing on me makes me uncomfortable.....I'm flawed, far from perfect & so people "fawning" over me makes me uneasy. But Mizchelle is right-it's a way for people to say thank you. Soak it up and let them thank you. I can't imagine what it would feel like as a recipient never feeling like you can do enough to thank your donor; but as a donor I know we aren't looking for "rewards" for donating. We do it because we realize we can fill a void in this way. There are plenty of people I consider heros for doing things I could never do myself-I suppose that's how non-donors feel about donors. And by all means, tell your story. I never want people to feel I'm boasting so it is hard to tell people I've donated but I keep doing it with the hope it will impact someone else to make a difference in their own way. One person told me she was going to sign up to be a bone marrow donor because of what I did. It felt great to spur someone on to help others in need but at the same time made me want to cry because I realized that donation can have an impact far beyond the recipient I gave to. It's a wonderful feeling to help others in whatever way we can.

[Clark]

Dear Mooge,

  How are you holding up? You've had some time to assimilate concrete knowledge about your recipient, as well as the emotional reactions she and others have when they learn of your gift. It can be very challenging to maintain one's equilibrium in the face of this, and difficult to discern how best to disclose, and not mention, anything about it in life's diverse situations. Hope you're finding a path that both satisfies and sustains you. Best wishes.

[Mooge]

Thanks to all who replied. We are having a few bumps in the road but I am confident that we will get all the approvals we need within the next couple of weeks. Then there is still plasmapheresis to get through, hopefully a short course will be enough, since the antibody level is quite low (or was when it was tested a couple of months back).
I am in sporadic contact with my recipient, who still spends most of her time thanking me and worrying about MY health, and reassuring me that whatever happens, she will be okay. She is really quite amazing.
I'll keep you all posted....

Mooge

[ftgriffith]

Moore,
jsts is right, everyone is a hero is some way. What I fully expected is that life would go back to normal after donation, and it has. I just didn't want to feel that I was any better than all of the other heros out there, many of them giving their lives  in service. I am able to continue a very special relationship with my recipient, and for that I am grateful....and she finally realizes that she doesn't have to continually thank me.
Donated left kidney 8-9-11

[Oldnslow]

Not sure about heroness, but my recipient and their family have often expressed their gratitude.  I downplay it as well but feel more than free to say you're welcome.    Always receive a nice Christmas card with gratitude.   It was a risk for my family, so I appreciate the thanks from them, but it is not overboard or hero type stuff.

Recently my cousin, whom has PKD, had a donor appear out of nowhere when it looked hopeless.   I really appreciate their contribution.   So, in a way I get to see it from the other side.   

Since it is a choice to donate, not an obligation, it really is a gift.  I think it is more than just a casual thing to donate.

For myself, I have had very good health, still do almost five tears later, and my brother does as well.   I think we are both grateful.   

Cheers

[sherri]

Nice to see the "oldtimers" (Oldnslow and Jstx).

My experience has been a little different. My family (meaning my parents and siblings including my recipient brother) hardly ever talk about the surgeries. It seems like it is the elephant in the room. I was not that close with my recipient brother before surgery and our relationship has remained pretty much the same. So enjoy the praise and thank yous. Occasionally, I will get the "you saved his life" remark from others and I usually reply by saying, I didn't save his life but I did improve his quality of life by enabling him to avoid dialysis.I remember thinking how I hated hearing that phrase during the testing phase because it added so much more pressure. I mean, how do you choose not to save a life?

So, to all of you, I say thank you, not only for being donors but for helping me be a donor.

Sherri

 

[Oldnslow]

Hi Sherri - I have seen with other recipient pairs in my family a similar situation where it was almost assumed that it was no big deal for the donor.   Always glad when it goes well, but it is always major surgery and a risk.  So, some gratitude is in order (no superman cape though).    Golfed with my recipient this morning.   I think that for us, it has definitely brought us closer.   

Cheers

Oldnslow

[dodger]

I always played it down myself and still do.  It needed to be done, I was a match and that was that. 

Actually, we the donors are the lucky ones, we get to see the recipient get on with living.  They can move forward with their lives rather than being on hold.  They don't have free ride, they take meds that can have all kinds of effects on them but hopefully they do well for a long time.  We the donors can get on with our lives and hopefully not have any adverse effects as time goes on. 

As the neuphologist at the hospital said at my final 2 year visit, We don't really have a spare kidney and the fact that a donor is willing to give one away is extra ordinary to help another human. 

Something else I read, A hero are just someone that sees something that needs to be done and does it, putting aside risk to themselves to help others without question. 

Are we heros, maybe, but I would rather think of myself as just someone that at that particular point in my life when it was just the right thing to do.

Blessings to all and take care of yourselves, Janice