Willow,
While I've not donated to a family member, I did donate last October to a young man who lives near my home, but whom I had never met (Altruistic Donor). Initially, when I and my wife spoke about my desire to be a donor, she indicated she understood and was somewhat ambivalent to the whole idea. As I began testing, my belief is that she didn't think I would be found to be a compatible donor. As time, and tests passed, the potential for me being a compatible match grew and this generated more apprehension on her part, although not a lot of conversation or even outward acknowledgement. When it came time to watch the informational video(s) the transplant center provided and to read some of the accompanying material, she kept putting it off.
One day I asked her to express what she thought about the entire process and the growing prospect that I would be cleared as a donor and with time-lines becoming shorter, we didn't have much time to get on the same page or iron out issues. Finally, she told me she had concerns about my health, about the financial strain it would cause with both of us off work for some time, the issues with telling family (however I had made my wishes known that the donation would stay only within the immediate family), dealing with recuperation and potential for complications. She was worried also about how this would disrupt several different family activities concerning our adult children (canceling plans to be at the hospital) and more. It seemed one of her biggest issues was wondering WHY? Why potentially compromise my own health for someone else I didn't know? Why at this particular time in our lives? Why was this so important to ME?
After much conversation, we were able to focus on the donation process and all of the education and decision making that came along with it. She explained she wanted to feel she was part of the process rather than feeling like she was on the outside looking in. We agreed that the donation could not take place without her support and acceptance, that it concerned both of us at every juncture (potential for adverse outcome, preparation, recovery, logistics, dealing with family, etc...) It seemed once this process clearly involved both of us working together, she was much more acceptant.
One important aspect of this Willow, was our agreement that what WE were doing was important, that the focus should be on the recipient first and foremost and that we were willing to accept hat ever consequences came with it (positive or negative).
I'm not certain this is what you were hoping to hear, but communication and support were the most important aspects of getting us through the process. I hope you're able to come to terms with this as I'm certain your feelings and concerns are just as relevant and important as your husband's. He will need your support and love to help guide him through the surgery and recovery. I pray for you both and for your husband's sister and the best of all possible outcomes. Please keep us updated on your progress.
Best wishes!
Scott