Donated Kidney 8 years ago...recipient recently passed away

[Bellabear]

Hi all:

I was a member at the old site and glad to find the site is still up and running.  I donated my kidney to my dad 8 years ago in July.  My dad lived 8 wonderful years with my kidney, but died about 4 weeks ago from a heart attack.

I have been searching for someone who has had to say goodbye to the organ recipient.  I have been have been seriously struggling with this overwhelming emptiness that a part of me died along with my dad. It is hard for other people to relate to me because they don't know how I am feeling.

Has anyone experienced this that can share their thoughts with me?  I'm just so sad and miss my dad terribly.  The scar on my stomach is a reminder that I gave a wonderful gift to my dad, but it is also a source of sadness and emptiness now that he is gone.

[ars0168]

I wish I had something to say, to help you in some way - but I don't. I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am. My heart goes out to you. I have a feeling you might be able to find some comfort by finding another donor that has lost their recipient, on this site. I hope you heal and I know that all of us donors have this day coming to us, eventually. So very sorry.... Hugs.

Angela Stimpson
Non-directed kidney donor 09-22-10

[audrey12]

My recipient passed away a year ago, just shy of three years post-transplant.  He was one of the unfortunate recipients who ended up with non-Hodgkins lymphoma due to the immunosuppressant drugs.  Although he was married to my cousin, they lived a long ways away and he was not part of my everyday life.  I grieved, but I still felt a sense of peace because I gave him three good years where he was not connected to a machine.  We talked often after the transplant and we had a unique connection.

But it's nothing like the bond you have with your father -- he gave you life and you gave him life.  How many people can say that?  Your unique connection is twofold.  It has not ended.  He will always be with you.  I firmly believe Joe will be the first to greet me in heaven, along with everyone I've loved in my life.  But I know he'll be in the front.  He's never left me and will guide me, I'm sure of it.

[Orchidlady]

I lost my father almost ten years ago. I was the first born and the only girl, with traits much like my father. We were very close and I loved him dearly. I remember the feeling - it felt literally like there was a hole in my heart. As time passes, it gets easier - but it never goes away.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family eventually find peace and comfort in remembering the good times and celebrations with your dad.

[Little Sis]

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. Well, I donated my kidney to my sister almost 8 yrs ago on 12/30/03.  She was very ill then and either she go on dialysis or get a transplant. Both my parents were on dialysis. My sister just couldn't bring herself to go on dialysis because she didnt feel that was a quality of life she wanted to live. So, she decided not to do anything and live her life as she pleased. Meanwhile, I arranged to have the tests done by my own physician for donation. Before my mother passed she told me to take care of my sister. Well Im the youngest and I knew what I had to do. I didnt give my sister any choice in the matter and told her I promised our mother we would take care of each other. So, I did the whole process we matched exactly and we had the surgery. She did pretty well for quite awhile until November of 2009. She got sick and was hospitalized for some gastro/flu symptoms. Well, many tests were run and she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. She's doesn't drink or do drugs. The doctor said it was called Cryptogenic Liver Cirrhosis. She is in the final stage. I took her to a Hepatolgist in Denver he gave her 1 yr.  She even went for a second opinion in Texas regarding a liver transplant. Her kidneys still function but she's had numerous complications from the liver. So, we treat her w meds and pray that each day is 1 more day we have w her.

I was devasted to hear all this and thought maybe I could donate again a piece of liver. My health unfortnately is not as good and my sister has chosen not to attempt a transplant w all her medical issues/complication and the whole ordeal again. Yes, I feel your pain. I thought hey my sister has a few more years w her grandkids and our family. Yet, it will be shortlived. I guess the best thing you can do is remember the good times and know you gave your father life and that is something you should be proud of. Emptyness yes, but as everything must pass we to must move on with our lives. Dont' you see as long as we can remember our loved ones are not gone they surround us each and every day.  I truly believe this. So, hang in there take it one day at a time.

[Donna Luebke]

Dear Bellabear

The outcome of our donation and what happens to our recipients does impact us.  Sometimes this is forgotten.  Focus not only on the eight years your Father had since transplant, but celebrate his life in its entirety.  Transplant was only one part of his life's journey.  No doubt the holidays will be tough for you because you and your Father shared this unique experience.  No words can help with your loss but in time, the pain may be more of a dull ache.  Embrace your scar--do not let it make you sad.  Am sure your Father was grateful every day for what you did.

If you did a picture memory board for your Father's funeral, bring it to your holiday family gathering.  If not, you can do one now.  Share stories and good times. You and others may have not had time to do this during the funeral.  Say all you wanted about your Father.  Our loved ones are never gone.  No matter how long or short our loved one's life was--we can always celebrate who they were.  Keeping memories alive can help you with your pain and loss.  No doubt our Dads are special.  

Donna
Kidney donor, 1994

Best to you.  Do something special for yourself.  Buy yourself a gift from Dad

[WilliamLFreeman]

Donna,

Thank you very much for your posting.   

Bellabear,

Every reply had wise words.  While we cannot take your ache away, cannot replace the emptiness that your Dad's passing has left,    we do listen.  And we share our stories -- and thus, hopefully, accompany you a bit in your experience.

The first holidays with your Dad passed may be tough.  It was for me.

All the best,

Bill

[Scott337]

Bellabear;

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father and equally for the loss you are feeling and probably struggling with regarding a loss of part of yourself.  I was a donor for a young man I had never met (October 2010).  Everything seemed to go fine for the first few months and then he began developing infections due to a surgery complication.  Eventually, 10 months after transplant, he suffered a major infection, the kidney was compromised and had to be removed.  My recipient is back on dialysis and on the transplant list waiting for a deceased donor again. 

I know I didn't lose a loved one, like your losing your father, and my recipient is still alive and has hope for a future transplant, but I very much struggled with the feelings of losing part of me.  I wonder, if I didn't make a difference, was the donation in vain?  Certainly, you've lost much more, but I'm guessing your sorrow is not grounded in a singular loss. 

I'm certain you and your father loved each other very much and shared a very special bond.  There is so much in this World we will never have control over.  Relish your loving memories, know that your gift made a difference and was unselfishly given and you are defined only by your giving nature and capacity to love.

I hope you come to terms with your feelings.  God Bless!

Scott