My father is 67 years old and has ESRD as a result of type two diabetes. He has been on dialysis for several years. I have two older sisters, one of which is unable to donate due to a medical condition and the other who is unwilling. I am 26, a perfect match, and torn.
My father is a poor candidate for a kidney donation. He is in fact probably the worst candidate. I know this. Logically, its all there. He is absolutely non-compliant. He smokes like a chimney (has for his whole life), he eats with total disregard for any type of renal diet (fast food, frozen dinners, etc), is severely depressed, he skips dialysis sometimes, he lies, lies, lies to his doctors, and he lives alone. He is starting to get confused as to what day it is. There are cigarette burns in his bed sheets from him falling asleep smoking. When we start discussing live-in care or nursing homes, he threatens suicide. Specially, to ‘blow his brains out’ (we have taken all of his guns). He is wildly stubborn and has a severe temper when things don’t go his way. I sometimes think he might literally have a heart attack because of his anger.
His choices have landed him in the hospital yet again. While I was at work, he called my husband at midnight confused and nonsensical. My husband drove 45 minutes to his house to find him naked, unresponsive, and caked in feces from the waist down. He called 911 and my dad’s heart rate was 20 in the ambulance. He was angry my husband called an ambulance, embarrassed of what the neighbors would think.
He is in ICU, stable, etc. His electrolytes are screwed up. He missed dialysis because he is confused as to what day it is. This isn’t the first rodeo. He almost died when he skipped two sessions of dialysis last year. He was hospitalized for six weeks. He was so absolutely poisoned, told me in a fog that he was being held captive and being experimented on by the Russians. He begged me to get him out. He begged me to take him out for a smoke and screamed at me to go f*** myself when I wouldn’t. Watching my father grow old and confused and slowly dying is indescribable.
I have a million, billion reasons not to donate. My husband and I want to start a family this year. I have a pre-disposition to get diabetes, which pre-disposes me for renal failure. My father is undeserving to say the least. After writing all of this, the answer regarding if I should donate or not is quite obvious, so maybe that isn’t what I’m looking for. Perhaps I’m just looking for empathy, understanding, or advice. I love, love, love my dad, I cannot stand seeing him so absolutely broken mentally and physically. Bearing the weight that I would be able to help him with a kidney donation makes me sick. I fear I will bear the weight of being able but unwilling to help him for the rest of my life.