update on my talk w/mom and a question for you

[MissFrizz]

So, I'm so glad that I posted here first because I came to the conversation in a much better place and I was really surprised at what she had to say.  

If you haven't read my first post, my parents are long time divorced and I wasn't sure what my mom would say about me wanting to donate to my father.

She understood and respected that I didn't come to this decision lightly.  Yes, if I donate, she will be here to help post-op.  But, she doesn't want me to.

Her concern is that diabetes runs in our family on both sides and that if one of my children should need a kidney in the future, then I wouldn't have one to give.  Very valid point.  Something surely to think about and input from anyone here would be appreciated.  I had considered that I could be diabetic in the future (I did have gestational diabetes) but I feel like having that knowledge helps me take better care of myself.  Not all diabetics end up on dialysis, right?  But what about my kids?  It doesn't seem right to "save" my kidney for someone else when Dad needs one now.  But, would I regret it in the future if something should happen to my child?  

She then added, with tears, that she will always love my father and wishes there was something she could do to help.  It was a very touching conversation that I believe has brought us even closer together.

So GLAD it's over, though.  lol.

Thanks for all the support.  

[Snoopy]

Wow, MissFrizz.  
   I'm happy to hear that the talk went as well as it did, and that it's finally behind you.  I can definitely understand not being anxious to get into such a discussion.  
   In fact, even though my own situation is far simpler than yours, medically- and family-wise, I haven't told my parents (or most of my family, either) that I donated, even though I speak to my parents six days a week (I don't live near them).  
   I was very worried that my parents would notice if I missed a day calling right after my surgery, and was trying to think of a way around this that didn't involve lying.  As it happens, my mother mentioned, a few days before my donation, that--while she and my father loved to hear from me daily--they wouldn't get nervous if I ever missed a day: they'd just assume I went to sleep early, or was especially busy. Whew, that was lucky.
   In my case, geography made things very easy for me.  
   But wasn't it on LDO that there was once a poster who never told her mother she was donating...and she lived with her mother!? That impresses me.
   Be well, Snoopy

[sherri]

Glad the talk went well. Your mother sounds like a wonderful and compassionate person. As a mother it is most understandable that she wouldn't want you to jeopardize your health and donate unless it was to your child. That seems to be the most common reaction.

Not sure how far along you are in the process, but the health care team should be able to lay out the risk to your future health given that you have a family history of diabetes and gestational diabetes. Both increase your risk of developing diabetes so that may be something to discuss with your own physician or nephrologist outside the transplant team. Diabetics often need to be treated with medications for high blood pressure and their kidney function often is compromised so the doctors may feel that you may not even be a good candidate for donation surgery. Family donors always have this to consider.

One of the many fears I had before donating to my brother (and there is kidney disease in our family) was the "what if my child needs a kidney as a result of these bad genes". But realistically my kidney will probably way older than I'd like them to have (I am 48 and my kids range from 24- 15) so there would be no point in saving it for a rainy day. The need for my brother was immediate and for my children not a reality. I can only pray someone would do for my child what I did for my brother.

Good luck with the testing. Hope many good things come from this transplant journey.

Sherri

[ohtobeahayes]

Good job!!!!  I bet you feel so much relief now that that is over.
Probably most momma's don't want their babies to donate a kidney, or liver, or any other organ while alive.
I have 4 children.  We don't currently have diabetes in our family, but that was the number one concern. I had a friend who said that no good mother would ever have elective major surgery to donate a kidney- the risk with the surgery, and also the risk of having only one kidney.
FOR ME, and this is only me (i'm known to be way too laid back about this whole process)- but I figure that they have their siblings if they were to ever need a kidney, and also my husband, and I wouldn't be afraid to get real loud about their need and that I donated a kidney in the past to any social media I could get my hands on.
My other thought process was that most people in the world die with their own kidney/s (some people only have one ever and don't know about it!).  I'm not sure any of us were raised hearing repeatedly "Don't drink alcohol. Don't eat too much meat or potassium! One of your kids might need a kidney of yours someday!"  you know? It is definitely a REAL thing to think about and consider, but I have never in my life worried that one of my children might need a kidney. I worry far more often (daily) about a possible car accident happening.
However, I also challenged myself to go to sites where there are many stories of donations gone wrong, and to read them carefully and examine how I felt inside while considering those things could possibly happen.
The good news is there are far more good, positive outcomes of donation than not.
Good job and congratulations!
Nicki

[Scott337]

Amazing!  Best wishes with your consideration of all of the factors in your decision. 




Scott   

[MissFrizz]

Thank you, everyone.

[Jnetter]

At first, my Dad thought it was a terrible idea for me to donate my kidney to someone outside my family because, someday someone in my family might need a kidney.  My response was that Sure, that is possible.. It is also possible that I get into a car crash and die next week then nobody gets my kidney and I wont have helped anyone. 

[MissFrizz]

Good point.  I was also thinking that if my chidren do have Type II diabetes and end up on dialysis when they are 70.... my kidney won't be too useful at that point.  lol.  I don't see the point in hoarding it when somebody needs it right now.

I can understand why family members are so protective of us.  It's love, I know. 

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories here.   There is so much kindness in them, as well.  Everyone that responded here has shown such sensitivity to those who disagree with their choice.

I'll be talking to my Dad tomorrow to tell him that I want to donate to him and I'm hoping he accepts.

[WilliamLFreeman]

MissFrizz,

I hope your heart-to-heart tomorrow with your Dad goes as (surprisingly) well your heart-to-heart did with your Mom.  (As you have probably already read on LDO, some parents initially do not want their children to put themselves "in harms way" on their behalf.  Often it is best to be patient.   Simply say what is in your heart.     And that may include that, if he were be able to live a better life, that would make your own life better.

All the best for tomorrow.

Bill

[MissFrizz]

Thank you, Bill.  I didn't get to talk to him face to face.  When I got to his house, some of my family was already there, there just wasn't a good time.  I didn't want to talk to him about it over the phone, but it looks like that is how it will have to be.