I don't know how to talk to my mom about this...

[MissFrizz]

Hi, I just got the results of the tissue crossmatch and I am a match for my dad.  My parents have been divorced a very long time but my mother has always been bitter towards my dad.  I need to ask her for help with my children post-op and I'm not sure how to approach her.  I know she will be protective of me and in the end I know that she will help me, but I have no idea what to say.

I have the full support of my husband who will be able to take alot of time off work, but he will need a break, too.  In any case, I need to tell my mom that I'm going to do this.

Any ideas of how to make the conversation pleasant?

Thank you.

[Clark]

Dear MissFrizz,

  Best wishes!  Have you had any deep, heart-to-heart, truly momentous conversations with your mother?  That aren't associated with negative circumstances?  I suggest you schedule a time for a one-to-one conversation, at a comfortable time and place for both of you, and when giving a reason, remind her of that conversation, and say it's a bit like that, important to you both.  I didn't have precisely your situation, but I had a couple of close family members, including my mother, and dear friends who had, to me, a surprisingly hard time with my setting foot on the path to donation.  May this conversation go much better than you seem to be anticipating.

[MissFrizz]

Thank you for your answer.  May I ask, how did you deal with those who had a hard time with your decision?

[Clark]

Talk, talk, and more talk.  My mother finally "got it" while in the waiting room with my recipient's family.  My sister came to acceptance eventually, but one dear friend is still estranged.  Hope springs eternal.

[Aries7]

Hi MissFrizz,

I agree with Clark. I too would sit down and have a heart to heart with your Mom and explain everything to her. Let her know how you really feel and that this is something you really want to do for your Dad. From her perspective as Mom, it is natural she is looking out for you as her child. Things may not be so good between her and your Dad, but he is still your Dad, and you love him just you as you do your Mom.

Also, come with as much information as you can about living donation. Often times, education is key. Once she has the facts about donation, that may help to ease some of her fears too. (Don't get me wrong, there are real risks and I in no way mean to downplay that.) You could also invite her to this board if she has questions or concerns that she would like answers to. I am sure there are many here who would be more than happy to share their experiences as a donor with her.

Best of luck to you and please let us know how things go when you talk to your Mom!

Linda

[WilliamLFreeman]

MissFrizz,

All excellent perspectives and suggestions.  And one more [I hope].

One issue may be that your Mom implicitly may ask without saying it, "Whom do you love ["or love more"] -- him, or me?"  And/or may feel without saying it, that, "If you help him, you have taken sides against me."  And/or, may feel without saying it, that, "If you help him, you obviously do not understand or appreciate how much pain he caused me."  Or, similar thoughts or feelings that may remain unstated.

In case that may happen when you tell her, it may help if you say right from the beginning, and repeat it, that you love your Mom no less, that you are not minimizing or ignoring her pain caused by your Dad, that you would do the same for her if she needed a kidney, etc. -- without requiring her to verbalize those thoughts first.

Yes, live organ donation can arouse powerful emotions, some surprising because they are so negative.  Witness Clark: a dear friend still estranged??   

I/we wish you all the best!   

Bill

[MissFrizz]

Thank you all.  I feel better equipped to have this conversation now.

Bill, you are exactly right.  For years, I would leave her house after a holiday visit and act like I was going home, when in fact I was going to my Dad's.  I did that because I always felt like she would be hurt, just as you guessed.  It was only when I had children that I finally decided that my kids wouldn't live my silly lie and I started verbalizing my plans.  So, this is all relatively new and raw for all of us. 

I will definitely lead off by telling her how much I love her. 

[livingdonor101]

Aside from all the familial complications, your mother is right to worry about your decision. After all, a kidney is not a pint of blood. I would encourage you not to minimize the risks of the surgery or aftermath, only because if you experience a complication or otherwise, it could worsen your mother's resentment and anger toward your father.

Educate yourself as much as possible while going through this process. Do not rely on the transplant center, or OPTN or NKF for your information. Do independent research to make sure you're making the best decision for yourself, your husband, and your children too.

Take care,
Cristy

[MissFrizz]

Christy, thank you.  You are right.  The transplant center is of course the most enthusiastic group of people.  Whenever I get off the phone with them, I feel totally pumped and ready!  but.... as you say, it's a very big undertaking.  I just don't want bitter-mother-guilt to be a factor in my final decision.

Thank you all for your great responses.