Handling the opinions of others and feelings of doubt.

[MissFrizz]

If you've read my previous posts, you know that I'm donating to my Dad and that my parents have been divorced for many many years and that I've struggled with telling my mom my decision.  When I approached her, she agreed that she would help me with my children after the surgery if my dad accepted. 

Yesterday, I told her that he did and she was really angry.  She feels that he didn't take care of himself properly and that because diabetes runs in our family and I had gest. diab. that I might need my kidneys down the road and that he should NOT accept from me.  I worry that she will approach him with her opinion, too. 

I totally understand her.  I believe I would feel the same way if one of my daughters was about to undergo this type of surgery.  But I disagree that he doesn't deserve my help or shouldn't accept it.

However, it's chipping away at my enthusiasm.  I don't want to battle her and I was rather steadfast in my decision to go for it before I talked to her.  Where I was feeling brave before, I am now shaken a bit.  It was keeping me up last night and so I thought I'd  come on here and see how others have dealt with feelings of doubt.

Some of you have already shared your experience before I spoke to my mom and that is so helpful.  I guess I just need a little boost to get my head back where it was.

Pretty much, my whole life, Mom has made me doubt my decisions this way.  She is a play-it-safe person and I have made wrong decisions for myself and held myself back from some good things in life based on this type of guilt from her. I want to ignore it and continue to follow my heart, but it is difficult.

Thanks for listening. 

[MissFrizz]

I really hate drama, and I come on here and bring to you.  So sorry!  I hope I'm not coming across as a whiner, I just am in foreign territory here.

[sherri]

Miss Fritz, this is not drama, this is life! And this is life when a family member reaches the point of transplant and it effects everyone not just the patient in ESRD. We often have expectations from family, parents and siblings and we want them to support our decisions. I imagine her not supporting you in this decision is just more baggage of other things in your life. When I was donating, I had the opposite situation but similar in the sense of expectations from family and wanting their support. I wanted my mother to be concerned for my health and not want me to risk my life or future health in order to donate to my brother. I remember when my sister and I both tested and I was the blood match she said to me, "I'm glad you were the match". In her mind, she knew that I would do it because I was always the "pleaser" in the family. I felt hurt and i wanted my parents to be concerned about me as well. I kind of went through life letting things go and accepting what I considered to be my parent's shortcomings because we are family and it is more peaceful and easier that way. But when the stakes got higher with the transplant that put things over the edge. So the behavior and expectations that were once easy for me to overlook was harder when confronted with the surgery. I did find it helpful to sort things out in therapy. I has been 4 years since the surgery and I have learned to deal with my disappointments and family dynamics. Mostly it is a safe place to vent feelings. You can also see if it might be helpful for you and your family to meet with a social worker together or at least you and your mom.

In terms of the actual medical issues, she does have a valid concern. Patients with a history of gestational diabetes are at risk of developing type II diabetes. you father having diabetes (not sure of other family members) also increases the risk as well as if you suffer from hypertension, overweight, under exercised etc. Have you been cleared as a donor? What has an independent nephrologist said about the risk of diabetes? Are you willing to take the necessary steps to lead a healthy life style after the surgery? As a family donor, obviously with a family history of kidney disease, i work very hard at keeping my blood pressure under control and my weight under control, both which I find extremely challenging. Not being able to take NSAIDS for pain also a concern. So there were lots of issues for me to come to terms with.

The transplant journey is often a complex one. Keep talking about it, surround yourself with positive people. Keep us posted.

Sherri

[rdr321]

 Miss Fritz,
  You are helping to save the life of the man that gave you life. You are doing the right thing by donating to your father. Your mother has her own issues to deal with.
   From my own way of looking at donating. I am a non direct donor and started a chain. My wife told me she would leave me if I donated. My parents and friends thought I was crazy to donate to a stranger. I donated anyway.  My thought is. That no matter what I do in this life. I am going to get sick and die or get in a accident and die. If it happens (very slim chance) while I am trying to relieve alot of suffering from someone(donating). Its not such a bad thing. At least it happened while I was trying to be of benifit to others.
  Most of us are usually worried about ourselves and how other people are going to think of us. We think we should not be "pressured" into helping save the life of one of our parents. Mostly worried about how "we" feel. Nobody should make "us" feel bad.  This type of thinking just blows my mind. I think it is just selfishness covered with psychological frosting.  Helping to save the life of our parent, but thinking it is our "right" we should not feel pressured.   This is one of the reasons there is so much suffering in this world. Unwilling to help because it may affect us negatively in some way.
   Miss Fritz. Most of this is not directed towords you. I feel that I need to voice the opposite opinion that I see on this site alot.

[smudge]

Miss Fritz

Given the risk factors you have already outlined of both yourself and your family, if your nephrologist clears you as fit to be a donor then it is logical to think that means you and your kidneys are in top shape and you are at no greater risk of donating than anyone else.  If you are still going through the testing process then your family and personal medical history are all things that will be discussed, evaluated and considered.

Your mum has to deal with her own feelings and views.  You are an adult (I assume!) and need to make your own decisions.  If you want to help your dad then you have the right to do that.  The fact that you are going through the testing process will mean something to him even if you don't actually end up donating.

Good luck - it's a tough one!

[Fr Pat]

Dear "Miss Frizz",
     As you seem to be thinking things over well and listening to all opinions (as you should), here is another factor to consider. Your mom put some blame on your dad for "not taking care of himself". That's worth evaluating. A kidney transplant is not a cure. It is a very helpful proceedure, but the recipient MUST take good care of the donated kidney and of his over-all health afterwards. He will have to diligently take anti-rejection drugs for the rest of his life at the proper daily times and dosages, and faithfully get his regular check-ups to adjust the dosages. He will have to be diligent in maintaining good dietary and exercise practices to keep the kew kidney healthy. IF your mom is correct in saying that he has not taken care of himself well, it would not be improper (in my opinion) for you to talk honestly with your dad and have some assurances that he WILL take good care of himself and the new kidney afterwards. You can only donate a kidney once, so it is wise to have some assurance that it will be well taken care of by the recipient. There is no guanantee, of course, that the recipient will actually do this, but it is worth talking about.
    best wishes,
       Fr. Pat

[MissFrizz]

Thank you, everyone.  I really appreciate all of these answers.  Whatever happens, I know that I have done all my research and checked my heart thoroughly by the end of this process.

I am so glad I found this group.

HUGS.

[dodger]

I agree with Sherri, you are a candidate for Type II diabetes, and if your transplant team does not inform you of this then they are falling very short of professional ethics.

Diabetes is one of the major reasons why there is a surge on kidney failure/dialysis in this country. 

With two kidneys you will still have a higher chance of getting diabetes than someone else.  You really need to speak to a neuphologist not affiliated with your donation hospital before making a decision.