I Am Not A Hero

[awollangk]

One day I went to a store to buy some dry ice. When I mentioned I was from Madison the manager who was helping me said "my brother's on the list in Madison." I offered to see if I was a match when I got back. Turns out I am and close to a year later I ended up donating a kidney to Ron Schwalbach. There's only one thing that has been bothering me:

I've been called a hero and an angel and I don't like it.

If it was just the normal discomfort around being a normal guy being put on an undeserved pedestal I wouldn't worry so much but there's one aspect of this that really makes me want to speak out. If I'm a hero or an angel it takes everyone else out there "off the hook."  People can say "I'd donate a kidney but I'm no hero." There are plenty of reasons in this world not to donate. If you don't match or you have health or emotional problems or even the potential good cannot overcome your misgivings these are more than sufficient reasons not to donate. "I'm not a hero" should never be on that list.

Alex

[Nancy]

Alex, I have had problems with this one aspect of donation since beginning the process.  I don't feel like a hero and I'm certainly no angel.  I do look on non-directed donors in a somewhat different light.  They maybe deserve a little hero worship.  Personally I just feel very honored to have been able and allowed to do this for my friend.  Fortunately I had no complications and a remarkable recovery.  It was almost too easy.  I wish I as a donor could explain my feelings regarding donation in such a way that people could comprehend the incredible gift I walked away with.PRICELESS!

[Fr Pat]

Dear Alex,
     Over the years I have read a number of stories about people who decided to become living donors after they had read about or met other living donors. Others have said that they did not decide to donate after meeting a living donor, but later on when the need arose in their family they already had the idea in their head that it COULD be done. So while I quite agree with you that some folks may let themselves off the hook by thinking "that's great for HEROS, but I'm not one," other folks may start to get the idea in their heads that maybe they COULD someday do the same. So please don't let the "hero" stuff bother you too much. Your example may some day make it easier for someone else to make the same decision, or to support a loved one's decision to donate.
  best wishes,
   Fr. Pat

[WilliamLFreeman]

Nancy,

I am a non-directed donor.

Trust me, I assuredly do NOT "deserve a little hero worship"!    And you may notice I do not reveal how to contact my wife!   

Seriously, as a non-directed donor I do not differentiate between directed and non-directed donations.  I do not see how one can judge and compare the degree of altruism, or of "heroism," among donors.  What was relatively easy for me, a physician -- to undergo surgery to be a non-direct donor -- may be hellish, requiring much more courage, for a donor giving to her/his child.

Being called a hero, angel, etc. is as uncomfortable for me as it is for Alex & Nancy.

Bill

[leah.faith]

Once while in my pt gear, all hot and sweaty, my Commanding Officer introduced me to some higher up (Admiral, I think) as the girl who donated a kidney (I was in the Navy Times and everything).
I told my mom about it and how weirded out it made me feel that people seemed to be so much more amazed, proud and everything else than I feel. I personally feel like it was just something I should of done, so I did it.
What she said, and she's a very smart women, is that there are so many things people get known for. Some people are known as liars, or "the go to guy", or the cat lady or the guy who always breaks plans or the fat kids mom or the car guy or so many other thing. Being known for someone who selflessly gave a piece of themselves without any reward is absolutely a great thing to be known for. You may not feel like a hero (I certainly don't) but the fact that you're known as a selfless person who gave what they could is absolutely great and something that you should feel proud of.

[Mooge]

I also have issues with the "hero" thing. I usually say that if people knew how easy it was to donate a kidney, many more people would do it. I like what leah.faith's mom said, though. I'm going to keep that in mind!

[Snoopy]

  I also don't feel at all heroic for my donation.  Actually, though, I know of at least one donor who was terrified of needles, and yet donated anyway.  I admit, that really does impress me!
  In any case, though, nobody should feel deterred from donation by potential hero-worship. 
  Actually, even for people who are concerned, there's an alternative:  don't tell.  It's been more than two years since my donation, and other than my wife and kids (and their spouses), very very few people know.  I ended up needing to tell a couple of people at work, but I've told none of my friends, and I haven't had the need to tell people since.  If I had told people, I think as many would have told me I was nuts as would have called me a hero; either way, I wasn't interested (I had a couple of other concerns, as well). 
  It has been easy enough not to talk about it. In fact, the very day I came home from the hospital, we had a bunch of (long-planned) stay-over company including, amongst the relatives, one surgeon and two medical students.  Except that there were a couple of raised eyebrows when my kids wouldn't let me lift a pitcher, there were so many people, and so much noise, I don't think anybody much noticed.  I guess that says something about what I normally look like! 
  I remain glad I didn't (and don't) talk about it...although I do admit wrestling with the question of whether I could encourage additional donations by "going public".  In any case, though, I remain very happy I donated, and the "hero" issue  is nothing to dissuade anybody from donating.  Anyway who knows, they might just call you crazy, not brave! 
     Snoopy

[CK]

I hate the "you're a hero" thing too, and always have.  I don't feel like a hero and I hope that everyone would do this for someone they love.  I'm more impressed with those of you who did a non-directed donation, because honestly, I would not have done that.  I would have done it for anyone in my family and many of my friends, but probably not for someone I did not have an emotional attachment to.

That being said, my recipient (who is my husband-was my boyfriend at the time) periodically tells me (randomly) that he believes he would not be alive right now without me, which of course, is why I did it in the first place and still can make me emotional.  After the surgery my surgeon told me that I had saved my BF's life and that was much more moving to me than the "I could never do it, you're a hero" stuff, which is BS, I'm no hero.   I was scared witless to donate.  BUT, in my mind, I had two kidneys and he needed one-and I could not go on living a happy life knowing I could improve his but was too fearful to do so.

[Mizchelle]

I think it’s common that Donors are called all those things and more. Thankfully, it never stops, because it’s a constant reminder of our Compassion, Generosity and Selflessness.

Honor the fact that Donors often do what they do because it doesn't seem heroic, but more of a "natural" humane thing to do with no Ego involved.

Most people are petrified just thinking of doing such a thing (where we may not have been). Those are the same people that call us Hero’s, and I believe it’s a form of saying "thank you for doing what I'm not sure I could have". 

It also an inspiration for others to become Hero’s in their own capacity (giving blood, volunteering etc.) Donation is the gift that just keeps on giving. Don't break the chain. 

Not all Hero’s have an "S" on their chest, but they do have a level of courage that is recognized by others.

[Stpfan44]

There are so many reasons why people decide to donate.

For myself, the reason why I want to donate is to convert all my negative thoughts into positive actions. The more I observe other people in life who want to live, the more I read up on statistics on how many people die of need of a kidney, makes me feel selfish but knowing I can help. I don't think my way method of becoming a donor should be promoted in a fashion to get others to jump on wagon, because my motives are not genuinly pure, not out of kindness. But, I can argue that actions speaks louder than words. For that reason alone, I can say I too don't want to be called a hero, I don't want limelight, I could even care less of getting a thankyou. In the end of the day, helping someone is a good enough feeling for me to prize personally.

[Big Maico]

Hello all:

I'm new here & I just 2 weeks post surgery!

I saw this forum & found this post & it struck home with me. "I've been called a hero and an angel and I don't like it"

I have the same feeling that the OP has about being called a hero! I did the donation not for the attention, but because I couldn't stand to see my cousin going down hill, she's been more like a big sister to me then my own siblings.

I have a Bunch of friends that are some tough dudes, some of them know me pretty well & just said that was a great think to do!, but others have called me a hero & it hit's me hard because I didn't do it for that reason.

I've been called a hero several times when I was a Fire fighter/ Paramedic & I didn't like that either, I was just doing my job! That's how I feel about donating. I just did what had to be done!

I hope I can learn to just shrug it off & not let it get to me!

Thanks for listening to my little rant.

Howard

[LJ]

First post, and this title struck a chord.

Even more ridiculous for me in that the recipient was my little boy (just on six weeks ago). Without being dramatic he could have both if he needed them...I am sure most parents share the same sentiment.

I do see non-directed donation as an entirely different thing. Not sure that I could or would do it...even knowing (and now seeing) the difference it makes. Funny things arent we.

[W303]

I love this thread.

Leading up to donation, a few years ago, I posted publicly to my friends and family about how much I appreciated their kind comments but that I was certainly NOT a hero. Even one of the nurses, at my pre-op appointment, said "You're a saint. I would never do this." Which was disconcerting for a bunch of other reasons. I got the "You're a hero / angel" so much, that I began to reflect on it deeply, wondering if it was just a way to honor the act of donation, to dismiss their own fear, or something else entirely.

I finally concluded that it comes down to a matter of speed.

Most anyone would, if they witnessed a car crash, rush in to help, even if it meant that they might be injured in the process. If it was a loved one in the car, there would be no question. In my mind, this is just what we are doing when we donate. We see someone in need, and do what we can to help. That this car crash is happening in slow motion does not change the impulse that guides us.

[PastorJeff]

Leading up to my donation, a donor died on the operating table while donating to her brother.  I did not tell my wife before my donation.  She is an RN and would worry even more.  Her attitude:  "I won't say don't do it  and get in the way if you really want to.  I won't say do it because if something goes wrong I will feel really bad."  But once I decided she was totally supportive.  She is my hero who takes care of the sick with lots of compassion.   

[Snoopy]

Now that I think about it, one interesting thing about my process is that nearly everybody involved treated it as purely routine.  I am not talking about the actual approval process itself.  I had lots and lots and lots of tests, interviews, etc., etc.  In that sense, they kept impressing on me that it was my choice, I could back out, and so forth (though nobody called me a hero).  But overall, the doctors, nurses, and others who actually took care of me during my hospitalizations for tests and for the actual donation treated it pretty much as I guess they would have a case of appendicitis.  So, maybe people don't need to worry too much about being called a hero!
  Be well, Snoopy