Convincing dad to take my liver...

[maddyee]

My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer early this year. The doctors recommended a transplant, but it seems as though his score makes this option unlikely (I'm sorry if I'm vague on details of his condition - he's a very private/stoic man and doesn't like talking about his cancer much). I did the research on living donor donation and suggested it, but he said no. He's worried about me. The risk to me along with the long recovery and the fact that he may still have to undergo chemo afterwards have turned him off of the idea.

I've let it sit for a while, but as as the clock ticks down I'm starting to panic at the thought of losing him. I'm trying to work up the courage to take another try at convincing him of giving it a shot. I'm not even sure if it's an option anymore at this stage, but the thought of doing nothing is eating at me.

Has anyone ever had this problem before? Of actually trying to convince someone to take an organ?

[dodger]

Maddyee, I am very sorry your dad is ill.  Both of my parents are gone so I know the feeling of loss.  I also know the feeling of being helpless because of their choices about their end of life decisions.  Both my parents were very brave to not only make these choices but to stand by them when the time came for each of them.  They were only in their 70's when they each died, too young, but life choices lead to it.  They could have continued living actually, but, chose non-treatment.  They both died without pain and peacefully, surrounded by those that loved them.  We could have at any time protested and interveined, but, that wasn't their wish.  We honored their wishes as their children.  We all still miss them, but admire their strength to such a commitment.  I only hope I can be so brave.  They too were private people, didn't lean on others.

He is your parent, of course he is worried about you, that is what parents do.  You said he may no longer be a candidate.  Can you speak with a coordinator to confirm this?  Liver donation has a lot more risk than kidney donation.  Could he get a cadaver liver?  He might consider that rather yours if it was presented to him.

Frankly, I think in his case that your kidney will be a very hard sell.  But, you can try, but don't waste what time you have left fighting over it. 

[Fr Pat]

     I would suggest that you ask him to authorize his doctor to speak to you about his health situation. if his "score" is such that a transplant is unlikely, it may be becaue there is little hope of success. Liver transplant is not an effective treatment in some cases. Find out more in detail before you take further steps.
   best wishes,
      Fr. Pat

[elephant]

Dear maddyee,

I'm sorry to hear about your father's cancer.  I agree it would help to talk to the doctor if your father would permit it. 

I too am aware that I'll be facing the loss of my parents, and am grateful that I get to be with them so frequently now. 

Love, elephant

[maddyee]

Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts on my dilemma. I'm torn between respecting the horribly difficult decision he's made and and begging him to fight. My grandmother has fought off cancer twice in her life and is still with us and a very active 93 - he's only 62, so its hard to accept his wish to do nothing when such a case of survival is staring me in the face.  But, you're right dodger, the last thing I want to do is spend what time he has left fighting. I'll take all of your advice and try to find out more details of his health standings and the options currently available to him first and then go from there. I'm hoping to get him to try something, but I suppose I should brace myself for the possibility that he's made his decision and will stick to it no matter what. 

Thank you all so much for taking the time to give my situation some thought and offering up your advice.

[dodger]

Hi Maddyee.  Just to let you know, you will come to peace with what ever his decision is.  Just be there for him.  Best wishes,  Janice

[joshua_david]

Hi there:  I am sorry to hear about your dad. Maybe you can talk to his doctor as to how severe his cancer is and to know if he is even eligible for a transplant (or how risky it is).  My son had liver cancer and I was his donor...He was only 1 at the time of the transplant though and that was his only option to beat the cancer so obviously the transplant took place.  I am fine, had no major problems, recovered completely after 2 months.  Joshua is doing well.  He is 6 now and 4.5 years cancer free.  I hope you can find out some info (maybe your dad can open up a bit more on how he is doing), and let him know how much this means to you...Ultimately this is his decision....I am praying he gets better soon.  Take care, Tammy