Non supportive spouse

[Pops]

I have had all the tests and all but one meeting. Things are looking good. Lefty is at 46% and Righty is at 54%, So Lefty gets a new direction in life.  The problem is Mrs. Pops is less that happy with my decision.  She was initially supportive, but for some reason after 32 years of marriage she didn't think I'd go through with it.  Not sure why she thought that, but there you go.  She does not want to talk about it.  When I try to bring it up she makes comments about how I am jeopardising our kids future (in the event I die)  She had no such issues when an older daughter had both her appendix and gallbladder out in separate operations. However a wise man knows when not to mention things- so I haven't.  She says she will come to the last meeting, which is with the surgeon, social worker and transplant coordinator.  Surgeon is a real nice guy, but he wants to make sure he has done his due diligence.  I know he is going to go over the risks again including death, nicking a bowel, obstructed bowel, infection etc.  She says she knows this is important to me, so she will support the decision, and she will take care of me as I recover.  I just wish I could help her to be more comfortable with the who;e idea.  Anybody got this one figured out?
Thanks
Pops

[elephant]

Dear Pops,

I'd be surprised if your wife wasn't at all afraid.  If she's willing to go to your appointment with the surgeon and social worker that's a perfect opportunity to bring up and discuss her concerns.  As your caregiver, she's an important part of the donation team.  I'd hold out hope that this meeting will serve to help make her comfortable with the idea.  Our imaginations can invent a lot of frightening and negative stuff that vanishes when confronted with reality.  I wouldn't discuss too much until then unless you are quite sure you are not feeding the fears. 
If you do have dependents, you might want to assess your life insurance and consider a term policy if it's not adequate.  But I wouldn't discuss that with my spouse right now!

Love, elephant

[RKEM]

I had a similar reaction from my s.o., and we don't even have children. He accepted that this was my body and my decision but wasn't happy about it. I think it's a bit of an instinctual reaction to want to avoid all risks that are "avoidable" for those you love. And the thought of a big surgery seems like a huge risks whereas perhaps we are more used to the risks we take every day by driving or just going about our lives. In a way, it's the reminder of our mortality that makes people uncomfortable.

I also think that a lot of people don't understand the "why" of donation. And if you can't understand why someone is doing something, then their decision to go through with this may seem almost nonsensical. I got a lot of "that's crazy, why would you do that when you're perfectly healthy?", even from close friends whom I thought would be supportive.

It's also possible that as the surgery gets closer, her anxiety will increase, because until then she may hold out hope that some medical reason would prevent you from donating. Depending on how number oriented, talking to the surgeon about the actual risks may help make her feel better, or make things worse (if she's not aware of all the highly unlikely but still numerous possible complications). My boyfriend didn't attend these meetings and for him, who has a tendency to panic and conjure up doomsday scenarios, I think it would have been a bad idea. But I hope it helps your wife.

But in the end, it's likely mostly all the expression of how much she cares about you, even if it comes out in a way that is less than ideal at the moment.

[Pops]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I admit to being nervous about the surgeon meeting with her, but we will see what happens. RKEM I think your point about the why may be close to the heart of it. Elephant, I think your idea on ghe life insurance is worth looking into, without talking to her. I just keep going along and tiptoeing around the topic. Thanks again
Pops

[CK]

I believe you are a non-directed donor?  I donated to my husband, which people seemed to understand.  I'll be honest - I would not donate non-directed, so I sort of get where your wife is coming from.  While I certainly do respect the altruism of all of you non-directed donors, I can understand why your loved ones might feel a little angry and worried that you would put yourself at risk for a stranger.  Rather than avoid discussing it with your wife, why not sit down and talk about all the reasons why you want to do it and it's important to you to do it?  But also validate her concerns that you are taking a risk that could affect her and your kids as well (because it could - not likely to go wrong, but it could).

I'm trying to imagine if my husband said he was undergoing elective surgery for something that he did not have to do, solely for altruistic reasons.  I *think* I would be supportive, but I'd be afraid as well. 

In the end, your wife is being supportive, she's just scared and maybe a little angry at you for making a decision that causes her anxiety.

[willow123]

Hi I just read your post and I would like to chime in here. I have been watching LDO for many years now as a spouse of someone who is always on the brink of donating a kidney to a sibling (there are actually more than one siblings who might need a kidney).  From my perspective, the system has always and will continue to stink. There has been a tendency in the press to cover this procedure as if it is no big deal, but a quick perusal of this board should dispel the notion that nothing bad can happen.  However, even though transplants have been a regular occurrence for decades now, the best body of data regarding the long term impact of transplants on donors is from soldiers who lost organs in WWII.  Can you believe that?  There is precious little long-term follow up of donors because no one (i.e., the hospital) has the money or inclination to do so.

So given that you can't rule out the possibility of a long-term consequence that could impact your life together, doesn't your wife deserve a seat at the table?  However, the process has no room for spouses, even though chances are the spouse is going to be tending to the donor through the recovery.  Doctors, social workers--nobody thinks about the spouse or even cares about meeting them. They are not even considered in research regarding the psychological impact of donation. 

I am not at all trying to dissuade you from doing a non-directed donation.  I am, however, suggesting that you think about how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and she decided to do something without consulting you that could profoundly impact your planned life together.  Suggesting that this procedure carries the same risks as the medically necessary procedure your daughter underwent is begging the question. This is not a donation to her, or to a family member or a beloved friend.  This is a losing proposition from her point of view as she has nothing at all to gain from it and perhaps a great deal to lose.

I really do wish you and your wife the best in making this important decision together.

[Fr Pat]

Dear "Willow",
     Hi. I just wanted to mention that in some countries in Europe there have been (finally!) long-term studies of the health of kidney donors as compared to persons of similar age and health who did not donate. The studies (if I understand them right) do indicate that we are somewhat more prone to high blood pressure and kidney/heart problems in the long term. However there appear to be more problems for those who donated to a blood relative (and thus perhaps share some genetic predisposition) and less problem for those who donate to someone who is not a blood relative. Sorry I don't have the exact link to the study.
    best wishes,
   Fr. Pat

[Pops]

Thank you for all your heart felt replies.  It is clear that this is a diverse group of people. I appreciate the candor.  Fr Pat I have sent you a PM.

Meeting on 18th with Surgeon and staff. At this point not sure if Mrs Pops is coming or not.
Doing a great deal of reflection and introspection.

Challenge is good.  We wouldn't anything to be too easy.
Pops