Recipient and smoking

[leah.faith]

I donated last year and my recipient - a 29yo/Type I diabetic - started smoking again shortly after the procedure. I've posted here about a dozen times, just to erase what I've posted because it was so vitriolic but now I've had a couple of drinks and I'm going to say what I want.
She is letting everyone down. Her family, her friends, and all the people who donated money to her cause (to whom she didn't even send "thank you" cards to). She doesn't exercise or eat right -both which should be forgiven because no one takes care of themselves as well as they should. But smoking?!?! Thats a blatant "F- You" to your body and everyone else that was made to care so much for her health.
Smoking.
I'm so disgusted.
If I would of known that she was going to pick up smoking I never would of given her the kidney. She's just wasting it.

[dodger]

I read this yesterday and was very sad for you.  I decided to come back today and offer some help in dealing with this.

A gift is given with no strings attached. It is given freely for the enjoyment of the receiver. If you had donated and not known the recipient at all, you would not have known how they chose to live their life.  It hurts so much because you do.

You gave the ultimate gift, and as much as we hope the recipient will lead that life we wish for them, it is their life. 

I hope she can look back someday at the gift she was given and can say she really enjoyed being able to live while she had that freedom.  I hope she never has any regrets as she will have to look at you and feel bad for the way she chose to behave. 

Your job now is to take very good care of yourself.  You did a wonderful thing and deserve it.  You will lead a very normal life, can come and go as you wish, do most anything at any time.  She will be faced with organ failure eventually then facing dialysis for as long as it takes to procure another donor and if it is through a registry because no one steps up to the plate again, it could be years before she gets a kidney and that will only happen if she follows the protecall set up by the transplant hospital, and they are strict.  If she doesn't take it seriously then she will not get a transplant, ever.

So, please try to come to terms with this, and let it go.  The stress you are causing isn't good for well being to say nothing about the possible high blood pressure that isn't good for kidneys.

I'm sure she is having follow ups with the transplant unit, they should be telling her if her blood count numbers aren't good and that she still needs to watch her eating so some extent and drinking of fluids.  She needs to be taking her anti-rejection meds which can have all kinds of bad side effects.  But must be taken or she will loose the organ. 

She might be doing the best she can to do all this, but to others it might not appear she is.  Her choices might not be your choices but you gave her the ability to make those choices.  Kinda like having adult children, you don't like their choices but, it is their choice and they will have to pay for it or learn along the way.  But even though you don't like their choices you still love them.  You must have cared a great deal for her or wouldn't have donated to her, that is probably why it hurts so much.

[Orchidlady]

Leah,

I shared your post with my husband and he was very surprised that someone so young being given a second chance would not be doing their best not only for the kidney but for their future health. I guess at our age, we look in hindsight at some of the bad habits we have over the years and really regret that we didn't take better care of the precious life and bodies we were given.

And dodger, your post also brought back a memory to us of a discussion we had years ago during the time my husband was on dialysis. He was very compliant while on dialysis because he wanted, not only to feel as good as possible, but he was on the transplant list, along with supporting me going through the lengthy donation evaluation process - he wanted to be sure he got a kidney. He came back from dialysis a number of times talking about patients who were not so compliant - they missed treatments, they ate things they weren't supposed to like chocolate and peanuts, they didn't watch their salt, etc. He could not understand why they would not follow "the rules" the way they were supposed to so they could feel good and also hope to get a kidney. Yet the more we talked about it, we realized that we couldn't judge. Maybe these people had other health issues we didn't know about. Maybe they had financial or emotional issues. Maybe they had no family or friends who could truly provide the emotional support needed.  Maybe, for reasons unknown, they never would be on a transplant list and eligible for an organ. Without any hope on the horizon, to them, it might not matter. Why give up those chocolate M&Ms I love so much if in the overall scheme of things it makes no difference if I do or don't eat them?
After that discussion, his view of these individuals changed quite a bit.

Leah, we understand, and hope you can move past the anger and simply know that you did the right thing in the right spirit. Hopefully, your recipient will see and understand that as well. Best of luck to you both. 

[leah.faith]

I must of been drunk because I don't remember posting this at all.
I know it's no strings attached. Its just so hard to sit back and watch someone I love so dearly, make silly, childish mistakes with their bodies.
She complains so much about not feeling well and she's spent so much time being sick. She acts like she's always sick because she's diabetic, not realizing that she's always sick because she doesn't take care of herself and she's diabetic. I know she'll never be healthy, not like me. But really, she could put down the cigarettes and diet soda and go for a walk.
The worst part? This was one of my fears when I went into this. I told the therapist when she asked me what I worry the most about and this was my answer. When she asked me what would happen if my fears materialized? I told her I probably couldn't be my recipients friend anymore... I'll be sad but at least I won't be angry anymore.
Thank you for your advice.

[dodger]

hahaha, well I just reread your post and you type very well under the influence.

Actually if you hadn't donated she probably would not have got a transplant being a type 1.  My niece had the same issue having IgA. 

You did an extraordinary thing.  I know you will not gloat over it, but you did. 

Someday she will realize what you did for her.  Lets hope that her life gives her some enjoyment of the gift other than self indulgence. 

Best wishes to you Leah, and please keep checking in with this site as the rest of us need that contact as well.

[elephant]

Dear Leah,

I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment.  I agree you have given an amazing wonderful gift.  That does not change regardless of the outcome.  Please stay around here, you have lots to offer to others!

I think both smoking and diet soda (due to the effects of aspartame) are addictions.  Some diabetics think they "should" use aspartame because it won't affect their blood sugar, and they get hooked on it. 

Love, elephant

[PastorJeff]

If I might come at this from a different angle.  I think of the many blessings God pours out on each of us. The time, the people in our lives, the material blessings.  Wow. for your recipient a gift of your love from your body.  So much grace is given us!  Yet I have to think I often grieve God by the way I use or abuse the gifts he gives me or fail to use them.  I am not saying that you should not be upset.  I sure would be. I had the same fear about my recipient, unknown at the time.  It just seems that there might be a perspective to learn about our own use of the gifts we receive.