Random thoughts...pre-surgery.

[Prelude_Sarah]

Hello all!  If you've read my posts before, you know that I'm going to be donating my kidney to my little sister on May 4th.  This is all I ever think about.  I wake up in the morning, it's there.  I go about my day, it's right there.  I'm working on being positive about everything, but it's been a tough journey.  My sister has been sick since she was eight, this will be her second transplant.  Her first transplant is now failing, and she's been particularly sick this past week, we are so very anxious to get this transplant done. 
When I pass people I know at school, they say "Hey, how's it going?" and all I can think about is this operation, but I can't go around just blurting out "Oh hey! Yea! Donating my kidney in less than a month!  Right, so how are you?" so instead I say "Pretty good, how are you?" and I'm not really present in the conversation, I'm just being nice and pleasant.  But inside, there is a hurricane of emotions; sometimes calm, sometimes turbulent. 
I have been testing and going through this process since last August.  I hope that when the surgery is over, it feels like the weight of the world has finally left my shoulders.  I can't wait for my sister to be healthy again.  I can't wait to be able to think about something other than this operation.

[sherri]

Sarah,
It is understandable that this is a big weight on your shoulders and everything you think of revolves around the surgery. With family donation it is also hard to express these feelings of anxiety, trepidation, fear, because you may feel guilty since your sister is the "patient" and has been the sick one. If there are people with whom you feel comfortable you can say just that, well everything is going well but i am planning to have some elective surgery etc and explain what it is. You can say how difficult this is for you but you are doing this to help your sister but feel nervous and scared nonetheless. I found it helpful to go to a social worker before the surgery and i have continued even three years later, as I find it healthy to have a safe place to express your feelings.

Most people have no idea what living donation surgery is like, what the process is, what families go through living with kidney disease etc. You can let people know that it is not the same experience for everyone.Keep venting here, and I will keep pushing you through. It will be a real relief once you are on the other side.

Take care,

Sherri

[llinton98]

Just a few words...

I donated my left kidney to my younger sister (whose b'day is May 4th :)) on January 15, 2010.

I will never forget it, or the range of emotions, good, bad, and ugly, that I went through in the months leading up to our surgery. While I always assumed that I would donate a kidney to my sister, when the time came to put up or shut up I was terrified. It was overwhelming and all-consuming for me as well. I didn't feel that there was anyone in my life that I could unburden myself to who would understand what I was going through. At times I felt selfish and ashamed of myself for having any negative feelings about doing this, afterall, I had been healthy for 45 years, while my sister dealt with illness (type I diabetes) nearly all of her life. I thought 'what kind of sister would even hesitate when given the chance to help a sister she loved so very much?' What you are about to do is A BIG DEAL - it's TREMENDOUS!!!!

We were fortunate in that our surgeries happened as planned and we are both in very good health. I can't imagine anything in my life that could even approach this experience. Nearly one year and a half later I feel so lucky and kind of special all at the same time -  like I have this really great secret. It was great!!!

Best of luck and good health to you and your sister as you go forward.

[Fr Pat]

     Please excuse me if this is a repetition of something you already know, but the book "The Reluctant Donor" by Suzanne F. Ruff is a very complete narration of her mixed emotions in deciding whether or not to donate a kidney to her sister. Available at www.BeaversPondBooks.com or www.amazon.com etc.  She also has a page for communications with her: www.thereluctantdonor.com
        Fr. Pat

[Aries7]

Hi Sarah!

I think what you are feeling ia quite normal for a living donor. I donated to my husband in October of 2009. It seemed like EVERYONE around me was sick. I was not afraid of the surgery, but I was very worried that something bad would happen to me that would prevent me from donating. I tried to be so careful - staying a good distance from anyone who was sick, trying to eat just right, get enough sleep, etc. I also was very concerned about my husband getting sick, would the kidney work as well as we had hoped etc. We also have two kids that were both in college at the time. I worried about them and how they were feeling about having both of their parents in surgery at the same time. By the grace of God, everything turned out very well. I don't think I realized just how stressed out I was until after the surgery was over.
I encourage you to talk to people you trust and are comfortable with, family, friends, clergy. Also feel free to post here as much as you need to. We are here for you too. Before the surgery I had never met anyone who had donated or received an organ. I was fortunate to be introduced to someone who's husband had a liver transplant. She is now a very dear friend. Talking to her really helped me prepare for what to expect at least somewhat for my husband. The surgery will definately be on your mind between now and May 4. Before you know it, the surgery will be all over and you will be the one giving advice and encouragement to other future donors.
I wish you and your sister the very best. Please continue to keep us updated and let us know if there is anything we can do to help you!
Linda

[PhilHoover]

is with you...God bless you for your marvelous act of generosity.

[fredpeh]

Sarah,
I read your post and feel exactly the same way.  I am an Eastern Orthodox priest who will be donating a kidney to a church member probably in June and it's mostly on my mind all the time.  It's kind of like background music in an office:  it's always on,  at times I'm distracted with other things and I don't pay attention to the music but it's always playing softly in the background! 

I have been in this process since last Fall and just completed my testing last week.  I find it incredibly difficult when I meet people and we exchange small talk like "Hi, how are you...so, what's new with you".  I am reluctant to tell everyone I meet what's really new with me but they have no idea what I'm going through.  While I am absolutely sure this is what I need to do and what I want to do this is easily the most major thing I've ever done in my life.  My guess is that some people will assume that since I'm a priest I have no anxiety or fear but I'll be honest:  I do!   However educating myself by spending hours on-line and interacting with people I've met through the internet and reading everything I can get my hands on has helped tremendously to ease my anxiety. 

My prayers and thoughts will be with you  on May 4th.

Father Ed

[kali]

Sarah, I think we can all relate to your post.  I donated almost a year ago and still wonder what part the donation should play in my life.  Sometimes it is just part of my background, like where I graduated from college, other times it is a cause. Also, when questions about your own health arise, it is a worry stone.  Since my recipient is my husband, I have the joy and/or the worry of seeing the results daily.  The day of the surgery was full of highs and lows almost simultaneously.  Even with a year of preparation, my body acted on its own at times.  I just kept saying I'm doing the best I can with the situation we have and what happens, happens. There are many supportive and much more eloquent people on this site who are behind you all the way.  Good luck!
Kali

[PhilHoover]

Sarah, you are doing NO SMALL THING....Being a living organ donor is a very HUGE thing...

And it should be in the forefront of your thinking....you are preparing to save someone's life.

Praying for you even now...

Phil Hoover
Chicago

[Prelude_Sarah]

I have so much love for all of you.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for being here.  I don't think I could do this without you guys. 

[Mmeaimee]

My thinking has been hijacked by living organ donation too!  It's the 1st thing I think about when I wake up...it's all I think about when I'm staring into space at my desk at work trying to get through the day...and obviously the last thing I think about before I go to bed as I am writing this post.  Like others here, when someone asks 'how are you?'  I say fine, but think 'I hope I'm fine after I donate part of my liver'.  I find myself watching families on a cookout or people in the grocery store & wish I had the luxury of only thinking about the good time were all having or what I'm going to fix for dinner intead of 'is my mom going to die', 'what if i'm not a match', 'is 68 too old for a transplant', 'if i donate am i making the right decision, will i have lifelong health problems', 'how will i feel if i donate & my mom dies anyway'...blah, blah blah...arrrrghhhhhh!  I just want to think about spegettii for a change!! & i'm sure my mom would 2nd that!