Are you sure you were HLA incompatible or that the crossmatch came back positive? My limited immunology knowledge shows that antigens will play a major role in a crossmatch.
Having looked at the studies, the HLA antigen match is important, but shouldn't totally rule out a healthy donor. The difference in longevity seems to be 10% higher over five years. However, women seem to have lower graft survival rates than men.
There are two parts to a crossmatch test and they are typically performed at the same time. You have a T-Cell Flow Crossmatch and a B-Cell Flow Crossmatch. In my experience, a T cell crossmatch takes 24 hours for the results and the B-Cell seems to take 48-72 hours. You can read online regarding the different immune reactions. If I recall correctly, a T Cell mild crossmatch is easier to suppress post transplant than a B-Cell. If you had mild reactions, more testing would be ordered to determine the exact gene on the antigen that is responding positively.
My husband is getting a kidney next week at John Hopkins. He will have three crossmatches before the procedure and the final emergency crossmatch after plasmapheresis.
There are all kinds of formulas to determine the proper treatment. When we received the kit for the second crossmatch to our pre-kidney, we were told they were trying a different matching formula for those with high PRAs.