Porcelina,
I'm very glad I checked this page today and saw your post. I wish I'd seen it sooner. I very much understand what you're feeling. It's a longish story, so bear with me.
I donated a kidney about a year and a half ago. My coworker needed one, and I could not understand why his mother didn't even offer to be tested. At the same time, I decided that if I was going to go through with it, I wanted to help as many people as possible, so I asked to be part of a chain that included my coworker. I also decided that I didn't want people to know about the whole thing, and asked that the coworker tell people at work that his donor was anonymous. Which was basically true, as he was getting a stranger's kidney. I told my immediate family, my boss, 3 close friends and a coworker/friend, leaving almost everyone I know in the dark. It sounds strange, but I didn't want to change their opinion of me and I didn't want to worry them.
The surgery went well for everyone. I didn't want to meet my recipient at first. Then I thought about being in her position, and wanting to be able to thank the person that helped me. I decided it was mean to say no. I met her, and it was a very nice encounter. It turned out that she'd been on the list for a long time, and all of her family and many friends were tested, but she was a very difficult match. I was a perfect match to her. Then she friended me on Facebook, which was awkward. I thought it was mean to reject her, so I accepted, explaining to her that I didn't want people to know that I'd donated. Then I began reading her posts. She ranted on and on that it is people's own fault that they are poor, that the government shouldn't help people, charities shouldn't help people, people should help themselves. She said she had worked hard for everything she had, and she resented the idea that other people should get any of it. It really, really bothered me. I started thinking that if I felt the way she did, she would be on dialysis still. I realized at the same time that I was being a little sensitive and crazy, because people are entitled to their beliefs, but the selfishness of it all disturbed me. I eventually unfriended her, because I realized it was unhealthy for me to be reading her posts. I had given her my address when we met, because she said she wanted to be able to check up on me and make sure I was ok and to tell me that she was, too, so I felt if she needed to contact me, she could do it that way. Then I tried to focus on the other people who had been helped- the rest of the chain, and my recipient's family. After some time, I felt a little better about it.
A few weeks before the one year anniversary of the surgery, I got a voicemail from my coworker. It was a Saturday, and my cousin from out of town was with me when he called. I was having a party that night so she could meet some of my friends. She knew about the surgery, but none of my guests did. My coworker sounded weird in the voicemail, and asked me to call him back as soon as I could. When I did, he told me he was in the hospital. I was concerned and also confused, because he'd told me he was doing very well and feeling great. I asked what was wrong, and he told me that he'd overdosed on crystal meth. He'd been doing it since shortly after the surgery, he said. I'd known that years ago, he'd been addicted to it, but he told me he'd been sober for many years. Part of me wonders if he was doing it the whole time and just lying. He was crying on the phone, and I think he wanted me to tell him it was ok, and that I forgave him. I told him I hoped he got some help and got better, or something like that. I had no idea what to say to him. I was shocked, and I had a bunch of people on their way to my house.
I didn't tell anyone what happened. The very few people I'd told about the surgery were so happy about the whole thing, and I was struggling so much with what he'd told me. I didn't want the people that knew about the surgery to think badly about organ donation. I was so angry and I didn't want to admit how devastated I was at the whole situation, even to myself. So I tried not to think about it. The coworker called me a day or two after the first call, all cheerful in his voicemail, telling me that he was feeling better and asking me to call him back. I didn't. We had a few awkward encounters at work, where we said hello and that was it. He never mentioned what he'd told me at all. He basically acted like it didn't happen, except for how awkwardly he acted around me.
I had the one year followup appointment a few months later, due to scheduling problems for the hospital. I told the social worker what happened. She was actually very helpful. She told me that I had a right to be angry and hurt. She understood why I didn't want to talk to friends or family about it. She asked how I felt about the whole experience now. I said I felt used, and that I felt like the stupidest idiot in the whole world. She said the hospital had no clue, either, and that if doctors could be fooled, I shouldn't feel stupid. She said that when an organ donation experience isn't completely positive, she tells the donor to remember the other people in the situation. For me, that would be the unknowns on the chain, and all of their families and friends. She said that I did a great thing for a very good reason, but that I had given a gift, and it wasn't my responsibility to see that the recipient cared for it properly. She said he knows that what he did is wrong. She found it interesting that he told me at all. She said my opinion must be important to him, for some reason. Then she asked me what I wanted to do about it. Did I want to call him, or meet with him and tell him how he had made me feel? She said maybe after some time had passed, I could write him a letter, but that I had to remember- he could respond any way he decided- or not respond at all. How would his response make me feel? She told me that I didn't owe him forgiveness, acceptance, friendship or advice. If I wanted no contact with him after this, that is perfectly acceptable. She told me to think these things through, and that I could come back to talk to her, or she could recommend someone else for me to talk to, if I wanted.
It's been a few months since I met with the social worker. This still bothers me, but I do feel a lot better about it all. Here's my advice to you: the other people that have said this to you (and my social worker to me) are right- we have no right to tell the recipients how to live their lives. Deep down, they know what they did/ are doing is unhealthy. You have said this to her. You can tell her now how her choices have affected you, but I ask you- what will that accomplish? If it will make you feel better, then you should do it- but with the realization that you have no control of her response. She might cut off all contact with you. Are you ok with that? Maybe it's time to consider if you want to have further contact with her. Right now it sounds that your interactions with her are unhealthy for you. Try to remember that you did a great thing. Try to remember the other people that were helped because of this great thing you did. Her family was given more time with her and got to experience (for a time) life without watching her suffer. Also remember that YOUR health is important- including your mental health. If you still feel bitter or upset about this, or need help deciding how you want to handle it, contact the social workers at the hospital, and they can recommend someone or talk to you themselves. It's great that you reached out on this board. You can of course contact me if you'd like to talk.
You're not alone in feeling conflicted about your experience. I hope we can both find peace and move on in a positive way and not let this change us. Your idea of helping with local charities is a good one. I should probably look into it myself.
Love,
Kidney Bean
P.S. I'm an ENFJ. You might be right about us donors having the same or close to the same types!
Topic: Roller Coaster Donation Story - Not sure how to cope (Read 9453 times)