Roller Coaster Donation Story - Not sure how to cope

[pennymoon]

Kidney Bean (and everyone else),
I just read your post and am new to the forum, so "Hello!"
Sorry to hear of your experience with donating.  I've had a similar experience, only my recipient was my older brother.  The donation took place in May of 2003.  One week after surgery, he told me, "I wish 'you' had never given me this."  I wasn't suppose to be flying, but I took the next flight home and have had very little contact with him. 
He smokes, eats poorly, doesn't take his medicine properly and on-time, and recently took a job lifting 80 lbs sacks of dry ink.  He wasn't suppose to be lifting over 20 lbs. and it caused a lot of complications.  He lives with (off of) my mother and my oldest brother, who is mentally ill. 
Now, (right now) he is in the hospital in Des Moines on dialysis and hoping for another transplant, once his health improves, if it does.
Am I angry?  Yes, of course.  I have always felt as though he felt 'entitled', but I also realize that I can't do anything about it, so I just don't say anything.  I was going to go visit him in the hospital last week, but he told me on the phone that, "I'm not going to lose any sleep, if you don't come.", so I didn't go.

He is having heart surgery within the next two weeks as he has 3 valves that are 80% blocked.  They keep putting the surgery off because his kidney has failed and he has just started on dialysis.  It has been a struggle for his body to get used to dialysis.  He had some mini-strokes and mild heart-attacks as well.  Not a good situation.

All-in-all, you can't make someone appreciate what you give them, so if you donate, then you must donate freely, knowing that the the possibility of the other person not caring about, or not taking care of, the donation after they've received it, exists.

I hope you find some peace.  I think that's the most-important thing for a donor. 

[Porcelina]

Thank you Pennymoon for your insight.

Over the past few months since posting this thread I have found some peace of mind with myself as well as this particular issue I've had. I haven't spoken to my recipient in months and I'm frankly not ready to, so I'm spending more time on myself taking fitness, dance and yoga classes to give myself a confidence boost. I've had a number of past events that have whittled down my self-worth leaving me with lasting insecurities that I'm struggling to overcome--- from parents who provide almost no support of any kind, to a 5 year relationship with an abusive exboyfriend that resulted in a DV protection order, to my recipient not being very considerate of what I did for her. All I can do is stop looking at the past and look into the future. I'm down one kidney, so what? I'm still tremendously healthy and that's all I can control. I gave her a chance and she chose not to make the most of it, so I have to leave it at that.

Again, everyone, thank you for your stories and kind words. This forum has really helped me accept the situation for what it is and move past it.

[Snoopy]

Hi, Porcelina.
  I'm happy to hear that you're feeling a bit more at peace with things now.  After all you've been through, you certainly deserve it!  (I first read your thread just recently, and found it horrifying and depressing).
  The only other thing I would throw in, beyond everybody else's worthwhile advice, is that some people are just weak.  Yes, of course, they should take better care of themselves and make best use of what you so unselfishly gave them, but different people have different levels of discipline. (I have to say that, even in my own case, though I was quite disciplined about taking off weight to be accepted for donation, and thought I'd stay that way forever, I've found it surprisingly challenging to keep the weight off, post-donation.  This is despite my being able to quote, chapter and verse, all the good reasons to watch my weight more carefully).
  Apart from that, and as others have written--you gave your recipient a chance.  That's all you could do, and the rest is not your responsibility.
       Peace, Snoopy