Can it stay secret?

[Stiron]

My mother just donated a kidney, but wanted to keep it a complete secret, even form family members (who would either tell or protest). Only immediate family (not inlcuding my grandparesnts) and a few friends know. Now, they're starting to regret it, worried someone will find out and destroy their relationships with everyone. ANy Ideas? HOw can wel tell now?

[Kidney Bean]

Hi Stiron,
I kept my donation a secret from all except a very small group. A few more family members found out, and I was concerned they'd be upset I (or my family) hadn't told them. They weren't. It seemed like they respected my decision, and they left it alone. I still prefer to keep it secret, and it has pretty much worked out for me. Hope it does for your mom, too.

-Annie

[PA-C]

I told only immediate family, close friends, and my manager. I gave them all strict instructions not to tell others. My dad told the neighbors, his pastor, his co-workers, and my grandma, who apparently announced it at church! I'm sure high school classmates I haven't thought about since the day we graduated know now. Thankfully I live 8 hours away and rarely go back.

My recovery has been so smooth. I wish I had just told my family I was taking a vacation in San Antonio... They would never have had to know.

Anyhow, friends and family members learning about it after the fact have been supportive and understanding. My sense is that a mature person can picture being in the situation and understand why one would have been hesitant to announce it to the world.

[ohtobeahayes]

Sometimes...*sometimes* it may be easier after the fact to tell, because no one can give you reasons why you shouldn't and make you argue your heart, you know?

Keeping it secret it fine and understandable, but who knows who might be inspired to do the same by hearing about it?

Tell your mom thank you on our behalf! What a beautiful gift.

[CK]

I'm confused - why would people be upset with your mother for donating a kidney?  Concerned for her, I get, but why angry at her?  My parents were concerned, but ultimately supportive and no one was the least bit angry at me.

[Snoopy]

    There are many wonderful reasons to go public about donating; for example, your story can indeed encourage others to donate. 
    On the other hand--based on accounts posted by LDO members over the years--reactions from friends and family can be unpredictable and disappointing.  In my own case, I chose to tell almost nobody (save my wife, rabbi, and doctors) about my donation plans. I ended up having to tell my kids, my secretary, and my bosses, but specifically did not tell any friends or neighbors.  I especially did not tell my parents, whom I was positive would worry before, during, and after the process.  They might also be angry at my taking such a risk, when I have a family to support.  For all I know, they would also be angry and hurt that I didn't tell them.         
    I'm approaching four years post-donation, and still have told almost nobody beyond the donor community.  I am quite comfortable with my decision and, if I could have gotten away with it, would have told even fewer people.  Although I do regret, to an extent, not being able to encourage lots of people to donate, I've found other ways to help, such as volunteering to "mentor" donor candidates.  There are plenty of other things donors can do. 
   My conclusion has been that this is a personal decision, and not a case of one-size-fits-all.  By the way, one (former?) LDO member reported not telling her mother--while she lived with her mother. Wow! :-)
                   Be well, Snoopy

[Mizchelle]

I learned that not everyone will be happy, family, friends or otherwise, when you make this decision.  In my case some actually stopped speaking to me or flat out told me that I should not do it (and it was to benefit my MOTHER).  Once its over, everyone seems collectively think its the greatest thing in the world.  Fear brings out the worst in some people.

[Snoopy]

Yup, Mizchelle.  Fear does a lot of weird things to people; it can get depressing sometimes.  And, based on posts here over the years, it's clear that donating to a relative is much much more sensitive than a non-directed donation.  Still, I would have thought that donating to one's mother would be a pretty popular decision. 
   Well, anyway, we here at LDO think that your decision to donate was wonderful!
             Be well, Snoopy

[bradmac]

It's interesting how circumstances vary among such a small group as we.  In my case, my family actively supported my donation to my brother, and our friends did, too.  It even ran front page on our small town newspaper for two weeks LOL.  To each his own, but my experience from friends and neighbors was interest, support and prayers.

Of course, it was my brother.  I understand that altruistic donors sometimes meet with resistance from family members, and perhaps that was the issue.

I hope your mother is able to keep it quiet, if that's her desire.

[jstx]

I donated to someone I didn't know. We had only conversed via email. I had lots of people that were concerned and didn't know how I could risk so much for a stranger. And I had a couple friends who stopped speaking to me. But by and large people supported me. I didn't tell many co-workers; I was sure they would be nasty and gossip behind my back. But I did tell friends and family outside work. Thankfully now I have a new job and I tell my current co-workers. I agree that sometimes it's easier to tell after the fact. Nobody can argue with a decision already made and done! Maybe your mom can gently get the word out to close family and say that she knew the process might be lengthy and didn't want everyone to worry through those many months. There is a great benefit to telling people; you never know who you might inspire or encourage. For all you know, someone has a loved one that needs a kidney and they have no idea that they can help by getting tested to donate. Plus with all the negativity these days, it's so heartwarming to hear of selfless individuals helping their fellow man (or woman)! But ultimately, this is a personal decision and only your mom can decide what is best for her. Good luck and I hope that if she decides to tell, nobody is resentful and hurt.

[RKEM]

Of the few people I have told of my idea and the process of being an anonymous donor just one was unconditionally supportive. The rest gave me something along the lines of this being crazy. I sometimes felt as though even in the evaluation process your motives are treated with more suspicion than if you are a directed donor. That horrible "why" question was repeated over and over and each time I had no answer that I felt was good enough. I was comfortable with it and more at the stage of "why not" than "why" but how do you convey that?

Sometimes you just know that you want to do something that it's meant to be. Yet it doesn't seem as though for the majority of people it is something they can understand. Or sometimes I wonder if it's because it makes them question themselves as to why they are not doing it and somehow they feel guilty and it's easier to label what the other person is doing as "crazy". Even though really, it's a personal journey and decision and nobody should be judged for doing it or not doing it.

I think after the fact may be best for mass information. At least you are the walking breathing proof that it's possible to do and that it is safe.