Seeking advice

[melismatic]

Hello all,

I am new here, and am considering becoming a donor.  Within the last year, I met a person who has quickly become a friend.  We are not close, but my admiration and care for her has only grown the more time passes.  She has been on dialysis for several years now and is waiting for a transplant.  Since knowing her, I have felt strongly that I would like to be tested to see whether I am a match as a donor. I feel compelled to help. 

Here's where I need some insight: my partner has kidney disease.  The particular disease he has is highly variable: some will progress to ESRD and the need for dialysis/transplantation, while others can live long healthy lives without ever incurring significant kidney damage.  My partner is doing great: he is routinely followed, and recent labwork shows that he does not have impaired kidney functioning. In short, he has all the markers that would indicate a good prognosis. 

I am so afraid that, despite current good testing, he will eventually need a transplant.  I know that we have the same blood type, but of course apart from that I have no idea if we would even be a match if he found himself in such a situation.  Yet I worry that if he does progress to ESRD, I would not be able to help.

I am faced with this predicament of either (1) going forward to help someone I care about in an immediate and tangible way (assuming I am a match for my friend), or (2) not donating to prepare for the possibility that my partner will need a transplant (in which case, I do not know whether I am even a match for him).

Any thoughts?

[elephant]

Dear Melvin,

Bear in mind that undergoing preliminary testing does not commit you to donation.  In fact, a donor can back out of the process any time until asleep on the table.  The medical team will never say that you chose to stop the donation.  Of course,  a very large percentage of donor candidates are not accepted anyway.  You may not actually face a choice.  The only way to find out, of course, is to initiate preliminary testing. 

How old are you?  How old would you be by the time your partner possibly needed an organ transplant?  What, realistically, are the chances that your partner would need a kidney and you would be a suitable donor?

Donating a kidney is a major decision.   Only a few people are ultimately suitable as donors.  For those that do donate, the majority are very happy with the decision.  The benefit to the recipient can be remarkable.   

If you do go forward with testing, you will find good support here.

Love, elephant

[Fr Pat]

Dear Melvin,
     That's a hard decision, and I would not like to advise you in one direction or another. However I would like to offer you a piece of information that you might not be aware of. Regardless of whether you choose to try to donate to your friend now, or wait in case you partner needs a transplant in the future, you can help either one WITHOUT being a match for them. If you wish to donate a kidney to someone but are not compatible to do so you can register for a "kidney exchange" in which you would donate to someone else that you are compatible for, and in return someone else would donate to your intended recipient. www.kidneyregistry.org and other organizations do this. They have a data base of many potential donors and recipients and often can set up "swaps" on a nation-wide basis. And since now a donated kidney can be safely transported anywhere in the country for implantation, the donor and recipient need not be in the same city. So if you are healthy enough to donate a kidney you do not necessarily have to "match" your intended recipient in order to help him/her get a kidney.
      So, just some more info that perhaps may be helpful.
                   best wishes,
                        Fr. Pat (donor, '02)