Anniversary not acknowledged

[cupid]

I've written on here before about my recipient-how I found out many things about him that I wish I had known prior to donating.  Among other hurtful things he has done since I have donated, this one hurts the most. On Thurs, it was our four year donation anniversary-normally he would acknowledge it with at the very least a text message. This year nothing. My heart is so sad and I know this is an awful thing to say-but I wish I would've given it to someone more appreciative. Can someone send me some words of wisdom or positive thoughts? I am normally a very upbeat, happy person and this is dragging me down.

[Fr Pat]

     I don't know what your religious beliefs might be, but for myself as a Catholic I get a lot of encouragement from the description that Jesus gives of the Last Judgment when he welcomes people into heaven saying: "I was hungry, thirsty, sick, homeless, and you helped me." When they say "We never saw YOU sick... and helped YOU" he replies "Whatever you did for the least of my brethren, you did for ME". And many other religions also teach that works of mercy have eternal value, regardless of what the human recipients do with them. You did a beautiful thing and made the world a more beautiful place. Treasure that fact and pat yourself on the back. Don't let the recipient "push your buttons". Live, and enjoy, YOUR life, and let him go whatever way he chooses.
     Fr. Pat

[cupid]

Thank you Fr Pat, as always, for your wonderful insight and wisdom. Much appreciated

[sherri]

Cupid,

I am sorry that you did not and do not get the recognition of the sacrifice you made when becoming a donor. The fact that the recipient does not acknowledge or show gratitude is not  reflection on you and I'm sure you have heard that. It doesn't make it any less painful because the person whose gratitude you seek, for whatever reason just is not wired to do that. So please accept my small token of recognition. It is an honor to share the title living kidney donor with you and many others on this board. Continue to do good work and be kind to yourself.

Sherri

[cupid]

Thank you Sherri. Reading your comment made me aware that yes, I guess I am seeking his gratitude. But why? Its not going to change anything.I need to work on that and know the gift I gave was out of my kindness. And if he isn't a kind person then he needs to live with that. Thank you again.

[CK]

When I was deciding whether or not to donate to my husband (we were not married yet), I considered what the impact would be on our relationship and how I would feel if we split up.  I decided I was doing what needed to be done in the moment to help him and it was separate from the rest of our relationship;  that if we split up, I had still done the thing that needed to be done at that time.  I don't expect his undying gratitude (though he is grateful and tells me so), nor do I want him to feel obligated to me in any way.  He would have done the same for me if our situation was reversed.

You did what you felt was right at the time, and that's what matters.   

[brenda]

Cupid,
I have a similar experience and feelings. I donated to a close friend whom I had known for close to 30 years. I did not donate thinking that I wanted gratitude or gifts or even to be closer to her; I would have donated to a stranger, but I knew from early adulthood that she might need a transplant.

Many things changed in our relationship after the transplant, none for the better. That she has seldom contacted me on the anniversary of our surgery (twice in 5 years) is painful to me; that it was by text message instead of a phone call was/is also painful - it really felt avoidant. I think that some/much of our difficulties come from "the tyranny of the gift" - her own feelings that it was something she can never repay - and not from my expectations. That my kidney function plummeted added to our troubles. That I carried much of the maintenance of our relationship before (initiating most contacts)  also set us up for problems when I needed someone to reach out to me.

Had I known that the transplant would change - end - our friendship, I would have still donated - she needed a kidney, but the loss of our friendship is very painful to me. I find I spend way too much time thinking about this when our surgical anniversary approaches. I am very sorry if that is true for you, too.

I hope you find peace with this,
Brenda