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Author Topic: Conflicted Donor  (Read 2994 times)

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Offline Yinyang1029

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Conflicted Donor
« on: October 21, 2024, 12:54:16 PM »
Hello everyone.
New here, and I'm sure there are many threads with perhaps similar issues, but I haven't gotten a chance to scroll through all of them just yet.

I (38F) was just approved to be a living donor for my dad (70M) and am the only person in my family who I am aware of who tested and was approved. I don't know who all else opted to be tested, but several people in my family are fairly unhealthy due to high blood pressure or just age, so it was just me who got approved.

Initially, I was somewhat happy, and my dad was happy. But in the last 5 days since learning of my approval, I felt that it behooved me to do more research, simply because the screening process was so overwhelming and so fast (1 week from start to finish of all the testing to getting the approval). I felt that the picture presented to me was one of low risk, easy recovery, and that doesn't necessarily appear to be the case. I've really tried to get the full picture, good and bad, and it's since made me very apprehensive.

This is complicated by the fact that I don't have a great relationship with my dad. He's not a bad person necessarily, but to say I have felt in any way supported by him or that he's been particularly invested in a single thing that I've done in life would not be accurate. He has always been very harshly critical and often condescending throughout my life, and it chipped away over time at any particularly positive relationship. We at this point "talk" in maybe 1 sentence texts every couple of months. Trivial, surface level things. Truly he knows very little about me. Oddly enough, he seems completely unaware of how hurtful that has been or that his traits have led me to not really feel much affection towards him. This poor relationship has really led me to question how I really feel about putting myself on the line for him, and there is a part of me that almost feels a little let down that he seems perfectly fine with me jeopardizing myself for him. If I were a parent, I just don't know that I could do this to my adult child no matter how old they are.

Anyway, that baggage aside, in my heart I can think of many people to whom I would donate to in a heartbeat with no thought to myself, but he is not one of them, but I truly want to forgive and do the right thing. I just have so much unease about it. But even if I did back out, the trouble is he knows I'm a match, my family knows I'm a match, and I am certain I would always be looked down upon (maybe not to my face, but very much behind my back) if I do not go through with this. They know that my team can say I am no longer qualified, just because I asked to opt out, and they would know that is what happened. Not to mention the fact that I feel like a monster for even having these reservations. I feel trapped and I don't know if I could live with myself if he passes away and I did not "step up." There would have been so many more questions I'd have asked in my screening process if I feel I truly would have known what to ask. I don't know what to do or who to talk to.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2024, 12:59:40 PM by Yinyang1029 »

Offline Karol

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Re: Conflicted Donor
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2024, 01:55:27 AM »
Wow! That’s quite a dilemma. I didn’t have a good relationship with my parent and it would’ve been a very tough decision if I had to make that one. In my case, it was my daughter who needed a kidney transplant. I was not qualified to be a donor. Luckily some very kind strangers stepped up to help her. Maybe you could talk to a therapist or someone you trust. I’m not sure why you got tested in the first place, it’s very caring of you but definitely creates a stressful situation for you. Hopefully you get some good responses here. Best of luck.
Daughter Jenna is 31 years old and was on dialysis.
7/17 She received a kidney from a living donor.
Please email us: kidney4jenna@gmail.com
Facebook for Jenna: https://www.facebook.com/WantedKidneyDonor
~ We are forever grateful to her 1st donor Patrice, who gave her 7 years of health and freedom

Offline Michael

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Re: Conflicted Donor
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2024, 10:42:14 AM »
We don't get many visitors to the message board these days. Most conversations have moved to social media like Facebook. My suggestion is that you post your message in one of the living donor groups such as Living Donors Online and Living Kidney Donors Support Group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/628615503870540/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2246296390
Michael
Living Donors Online
Our mission: to improve the living donation experience

 

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