No support from family (warning: this is an angry rant)

[pilotjjc3]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.  That makes the whole process tough when your family doesn't support you.  Most of my family was onboard, except my wife.  She kept saying, "would your friend do this for you?" or ""You know he won't take care of himself after the surgery."  Both good points because I'm not sure that my friend would do this because he is kindof a weak person and he did in fact put weight back on after the surgery.  To me, that doesn't matter.  I was put in a position to help and I did.  It's like when you give a bum on the street a dollar.  You did your part to help, it's on him to actually use it for food instead of a beer.  If you are in a position to help and you want to, good for you.

Good luck.  Hopefully your family will learn to support your decision.

[leah.faith]

Wow. I love you all already!! Thakn you all so much for your support!!! I can't believe how many people had resistance from family members. Like, it was so natural and right for me to say "Yeah, I'll donate my kidney".
Thank you for the hug scott and I'm sorry that the boy you donated too couldn't keep his gift. Thank you for the words of wisdom Fr. Pat, and for everything else, you're a good person.  I'm glad I could make you smile TJHurly :) . I will talk to my patient advocate I think and see if they can set an up an appointment to talk with my mom, thanks for that advice Jance. Shelly, I'm so glad you and you're friend are doing so well, I love hearing that most people come out of this doing just fine. I think you're amazing!. I really feel like I'm going to be ok in the end. And Pilotjjc3, thats crazy and Im in the same position. I know for a fact she wouldn't donate to me if I needed it, and the reason she's in this position is becuase she didn't take care of herself (which, who does when they're 18). My family keeps saying "she wouldn't do it for you " Which I know, but thats not why I"m doing it and it's so hard for them to see.
If I missed anyone, I'm sorry. Thank you all, you're words mean soo much to me. I know I'm going to be on this site alot!

[Rob_h]

While your family (and even yourself) seem convinced that "she wouldn't do this for you", IMO folks do change, esp. folks exposed to kindness. So you never know, she might.  For example I helped a very angry guy get back on his feet, get on dialysis and then he got a transplant.  Folks would have bet a million to one that he would never make a contribution to anyone (he tended to drink and swear at folks a lot), but today he does, all the time.     So my take is you really cann't say someone is fixed or stuck, or at best you might say they are this way, right now. IMO, Rob

[jstx]

While I can't say that my family didn't support me (they always did from the beginning), they were unsure about the whole process and were concerned about me.  But they could see that I had done my research and was determined to do this if I was okay'd for surgery.  My transplant center was far from home so when I met with the docs I took a tape recorder.  Then I played it for my mom and sister.  I think that gave them a little comfort.  But the biggest change to me, and it made me cry, was after surgery.  My mom and sister were there and got to meet my recipient and his wife.  They got to see how nice these people were (my recipient was a stranger before this whole process) and how much their lives would change because of my gift.  My recipient's wife came to visit me the day after surgery and broke down; she was so thankful and her husband's levels were already going back down to normal.  It was amazing to see how fast he responded to the transplant and how much better he felt so quickly.  After all was said and done, my mom said to me, "at first I wondered why you were doing what you were doing, then when you told me you wanted to help someone I understood.  Now that I've met them and seen what this has done for them I think I could do it too!"  I couldn't believe she went from concern to actually thinking that she could be a donor too!  So it is very possible that your family will end up supporting you in the end.  I pray they do!  This is a hard road to go down without support-I lost a couple friends because of this and it really hurt me.  I don't know what I would have done without the support of other friends and my family.  Definitely talk to your social worker about it.  And you can always come to this message board-as you have already seen, there are many people here ready to walk the path with you, give you advice, and encouragement.

You are doing a wonderful thing!  It takes a lot to put your life on the line for someone else-I know that most of the time donors end up just fine and don't even notice a difference, but there is always a risk.  However, like I would tell people when they expressed concern-nothing in life is without risks.  Leaving your house in the morning carries a certain risk.  So as long as you have researched, asked lots of questions, and feel good about this you can do it knowing that you measured the risks and made an informed decision.  Good luck with everything!  I hope it goes swimmingly and your family gets on board soon.

[audrey12]

Leah, when I was being interviewed by the social worker she told me that the donor's mother is ALWAYS against the procedure.  My mom kept telling me that Joe wasn't even a member of the family.  But he'd been married to my cousin for 20 years!  She was supportive by the time it happened.  My sister did tell her that she should have offered to go with me and my husband (we're in California and the procedure was in Chicago), and my mom asked if I wanted her to go.  I said no, I wasn't anticipating needing any more help than I already had.

BTW, your rant was as good as any stand-up routine I've ever heard.  I laughed my heinie off.  Ever thought of going pro?  You could write for Saturday Night Live!

[Clark]

Dear Audrey,

  I hope you'll get in touch with the person who told you this was commonplace and recommend they publish at least a case report, if not do a survey or more formal study.  This would be a very valuable addition to the limited published work on what donor candidates face, especially the more trying elements that tend to be last straws and cause candidates to stop progressing further on their path to donation.  My mother's objections didn't stop me, and likely would have been a significant problem going forward if she hadn't had a complete change of heart while sharing the waiting room with my recipient's family during our surgeries.

  Thanks for sharing that.  Details and even an approximate sense of numbers on how many of us face this hurdle would be very helpful.

[bergstromtori]

My husband and I always said that if a friend needed a kidney we would donate.  Because of this my husband was always very supportive.  I donated five weeks ago today to a friend.   As my family began to find out about my intentions (my Grandma, my aunts and my Dad) they made it very clear that they thought it was a bad idea.  My 84 year old grandma was so against it that I decided not to talk to her about it anymore.

By the end of July the surgery date was set and I still hadn't told my extended family that I was going through with it.  My cousin and sister were great at keeping it a secret.   The middle of August arrived and we started planning a fundraiser for my friend and I wrote a letter to be posted on a Facebook page that we called "Billy the Kidney".  The recipient also wrote a letter.  These letters described our experiences.  Most importantly I wrote WHY I was doing this.  By the end August we had over 700 people following our page and my friends and family were on board.  By the surgery date, September 6, 2011, we had raised almost $50,000 and thrown one hell of a party!

It is amazing how people have told me that they were so worried about me that they couldn't talk to me about it before hand.  They waited for FB updates the day of the surgery and they cried when they heard that we were both safe and the surgery was a success.  Now I find that they all brag to friends about what I did, even my Grandma.  Seeing that I am pretty much 100% now, many are thinking that this may be something that they too can do.  People come around eventually and you may end up teaching them an important life lesson.  Truly wonderful things are worth the risk.  I would do it all over again if given the chance.  My husband is even considering being on non-directed donor.

Keep your head up and stay funny!  Oh, and if you want to read Billy the Kidney, just let me know.

PS  I almost forgot...  I gave up the pain pills at two weeks and I have had several cocktails since then.  ;D

[sherri]

Audrey and Clark,

I had wished my mother would have expressed concern for me about giving up a kidney. Maybe mothers whose children are donating to non relatives feel that way. Mothers whose children are donating to their other child (sibling donations) may not feel that way. I had always wanted my parents, or at least my mother, to express some concern and apprehension about me donating. But since my brother was sick and all they heard from the doctors was how he needed a live donation and one with a good match, they couldn't even go down that road. My mother even expressed to me that she was glad it was me who matched and not my sister. I think she saw it as a compliment, that I was the "giving" one, always the one who never complained and helped out even as a young child. I did not take it that way and thought it was a little hurtful. All I really did want to hear from my family was a little worry and concern about having an elective procedure, my future health and how it may effect my husband and family. I have met parents who were not in favor of having both their children undergo surgery and looked for another donor. In one case, the uncle donated to his nephew for that reason. Siblings often inherit similar genes from parents and many of the risk factors appear in families.

So maybe if there are some parents who are worried about their donor children, think of it as an act of love and concern. Balance I guess is the key between the expressing their concern and not wanting you to go through with it and then offering support even when you don't follow their opinion. But does make for an interesting study.

Sherri

[bergstromtori]

Sherri,
Thank you for a different perspective.
Tori