I need some support pretty please!

[ohtobeahayes]

Hi, Friends!
I'm sorry that I don't visit here as often anymore. Life got in the way, and the kidney donation became just something that I did. But  I need some love anyway, please.

A little background: I started a kidney chain (it was the Midwest's first! :) ) 6 years ago this coming July. The kidney chain got to meet one another that November. It was great. My health and my kidney are still awesome. My recipient  and I kept in touch via facebook.
Very sadly, he is currently on life support after a cardiac arrest. They've tried everything they can. He will be taken off of life support very  soon. It's pretty terrible...his kidney  doesn't work anymore, so he's on dialysis. A pacemaker is beating his heart, the vent is breathing for him. There  are a million medications and lines going into him. It's no way to "live". His kids will have to be the ones to say when. They are...we all are, devastated.

I am not sad about the kidney. He gained 25 pounds after the transplant, he got to go to Mexico and Arizona (he was wheelchair bound, 90 pounds with not much time left before he told me), he met and  is best buddies with his first and only grandchild. He had a really good almost 6 years despite his on going heart issues.

But I'm SAD! I want another kidney to donate again. I don't want this beautiful thing to be over. I would donate to him again and again and again, to him and to anyone.

Everyone is very fast to tell me what a great 6 years  he had.  I know. His children were so thankful when I went to say goodbye to S and meet them last night. I know, I understand, I do.  I do!  I knew this day would come some day. And I don't want him to suffer. Can I stop trying to explain this yet? I can't put it into words. I loved getting his  messages and notes and I'm just sad.

Hold me? And forgive me for not visiting more often?

Thank you,
Nicki :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[elephant]

Dear Nicki,

I am so sorry to hear about your dear recipient's failing health.  For sure I can understand that you are grieving.

I don't think you need to explain or justify your sorrow.  It means you care. 

But why would the good be over?  Personally, I think that good goes beyond our mortal lives. 

I'm glad to hear you are doing well, and send love

Elephant

[ohtobeahayes]

Xoxo thank you, E.Xoxo. He has passed now. The anticipation is over, and I feel "normal" sad now God bless Shannon. :(

[sherri]

ohtobeahayes,

I saw your name and immediately thought, oh a name I recognize, I wonder how you are. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. What a beautiful gift you gave. Sadly, it did not last as long as you anticipated. It sounds like your recipient and the family are so grateful for the second chance you gave to Shannon. May the wonderful memories be a comfort to you at this time.

All the best,
Sherri

[Fr Pat]

Very sorry to hear of your loss.
     Fr. Pat

[elephant]

Dear Nicki,

Mercy and peace for Shannon, family, and you. 

Love, elephant 

[ohtobeahayes]

Thank you all!
The good news (?) about the distance between him and I is that the grief, now that the anticipation of his passing is over,  is not such a heavy load and I worried it would be. He got almost 6 years out of that kidney. I found that what I needed to do was thank Lefty for her damned good work (his creatinine was perfect!) and let go. That brought the closure I needed. I can now support his family in their grief and  it doesn't hurt me like losing our parents did.
I wasn't sure how it would feel, so I feel relieved that I got to see him and say goodbye, I've thanked our kidney  for her service, and know what? LIFE IS STILL GOOD! All these donors are proof.

Thank you for being  The Safe Place to say and process things!!!!!!!!!!
Sherri- Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will do more to help  support the beautiful work that this forum is.
Nicki

[Fr Pat]

Dear Nicki,
     I am glad that you are doing better.
     I just wanted to mention in case you have not noticed, that these days many more donors check in at the FaceBook page of Living Donors on Line rather than here. So it is nice to glance there now and then, as you might find folks that you could help by means of your experience.
   best wishes,
     Fr. Pat

[Clark]

Dear Nicki,


  Best wishes! Thank you for sharing your story with us, and coming back now. We're here for you, no worries. Do take good care.